01 July 2000

Why Sleep?

Welcome to the third quarter! Time for yet another archive file and time to start a new month in the main archive directory. Yes, my life is this boring.

NOT!

Did stay home on Thursday, as I'd expected. There is something sublime in sleeping until 10:30 a.m. when one is used to getting up at 6 a.m. (and going to bed at midnight). Spent the afternoon cramming, which I think helped, then a trip to class and then decided, what the hell, why not, and went to happy hour. Didn't think I'm stay long. Yeah, right! Two beers (what I thought I'd drink going into the bar) turned into five, and I got to take a boy home. Hooray!

But let's back up a bit. Got there after 10:30 p.m., saw friends, bugged folks, met new people, saw old acquaintances, and then learned that my Ex was there. Not just any Ex, but The Ex. The one with whom I lived for almost six years, the one about whom I used get my panties in a bind. ARGH! Why? Why does he have to invade MY happy hour? Why does he have to come into MY space? Where MY friends hang out? ARGH! And it turns out he's been coming the past couple of weeks while I've been in class. ARGH!

Okay, Moose, breathe, breathe. Then took the advice of the friend who, it seems, is the one who has been bringing The Ex to happy hour and decided to, "Get over it!" You know, I did. Seeing him there finally (he was in another part of the bar - not sure if he saw me at all) just kind of said to me, "You know, Moose, this is stupid. You're acting like a three year old who doesn't want to share the monkey bars with someone who ticked you off. Do as Anthony said and get over it!" Kind of reminds me of the scene from The Labyrinth (which G was watching the other day) wherein the female lead tells the Goblin King, "You have no power over me!" and everything explodes and goes back to normal. It felt good not to be anxious about him, especially as he'll probably be coming to Omega regularly for happy hour, at least for a while. Own your feelings, Moose, and don't let them control you.

But back to the boy. *grin*

BB, as he'll be known here, had been at happy hours before, and I think I'd seen him on gay.com before, but we'd not really talked a whole hell of a lot. Chatted with him for a bit after The Bitch decided to get silly (five or more mixed drinks for the dear? Tsk. *grin*) and introduce us. Talked with him, grinned, flirted, etc. All things which, under some circumstances, are perfectly normal when I meet any of the bunch from gay.com. Tonight, we hit it off. I finally looked at him and asked why we were still there, and, well, you can let your imagination run with that one. Suffice to say it was a very pleasant evening for the Moose and that I was very happy going into the test on Friday, even if I had gotten no sleep and was slightly hung over. *grin*

Yes, took the bloody practice test on Friday. No big deal, even though they threw a GEOGRAPHY question at us (what the hell? Proof that lawyers have to be able to read deeds as well as sue on them? Whatever!). Then, despite the lack of sleep I went to work afterward, checked mail, and then picked up friends to go run to a combination good-bye and happy birthday party for two co-workers. Madam turned 27 today (she's as old as I am now! At least for 3 more months *grin*), and Romaine was celebrating getting out from under the heel of the Manager From Hell ("Ding dong, the Witch is dead, which old Witch, the Wicked Witch..."). Both good reasons to celebrate, but ESPN Zone?

ESPN Zone is a sports bar, licensed out from the sports channel, and a depressingly straight place. Well, straight except for our cute waiter, James. But, ohmygod, is this how straight people spend their Friday nights? How depressing! Give me drag queens and butch and femme boys any night of the week. If nothing else they have a better sense of style. Unwashed hair and a sports jersey just doesn't do it for this Moose.

Finally ended up at Chaos after a second dinner (ugh - more on that tomorrow I think). The evening kind of fizzled out after that, with no real definitive ending past separate good-byes for folks and the trip home. Had an offer, but no energy to take the guy up on it (and it was too early in the evening - I consider it tacky to dump friends with whom one has gone out simply because hormones call). Ah well. An interesting evening in any case (even if not as fruitful as the night before).

Today I've chilled, slept in and zombied in front of the computer playing Civilization II. Two days worth of hangovers (did I really drink that much beer the past two days? Ouch!) will do that to you. No concentrating on studying, simply tried to wake up (caffeine, anyone?) and get going. Doug has come over now, and I went for a kick-ass run after he got here (42 minutes! I've never run that far before!). Took it slow and went the full distance I went the other weekend, but with no walking breaks this time around. It felt awesome! And no sore knees, either! Too cool. Especially considering the hangover this morning. *grin* Anyway, we're getting ready to go to Virginia and see The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (a Moose movie! Hooray!) and I'm staying over there tonight, for the first time in ages. So off I go, and up this goes!

02 July 2000

Slow Down?

I meant to vacuum today. Oh well!

Sitting here with a Guinness tonight, listening to jazz/blues and working on updating Ye Olde Diary. I don't consider this thing a task - I enjoy doing this - but sometimes the days catch up with you. I've still not written my diatribe on civics and my chosen city - it's still in larval form - but I'll get to it eventually. Hopefully it'll be nice and slow tomorrow with everyone out of the office for the holiday. I think out of 15 people 4 of us will be in. A quarter of the normal staff. And given that our field personnel have all been in for much longer than peons like me and so have much more leave, hopefully that means they'll be out of the office, too. Whee. Sad when what you hope for at work is not a challenge but a day off. *sigh*

But anyway. Saw The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle last night. If you liked the kitsch and bad puns from the original, this was the movie for you. If not, you'd have hated it. Being fond of moose, I loved it. There were many good plays on things (Natasha and Boris come out of the Wassamotta U. infirmary and the building is the "J Ward" - an homage to Jay Ward, the creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle). Picked on poor Doug when they had the villains renting a Chevy Metro (same model as Doug's awesome little car). How they worked it to rattle and wiggle like that is beyond me, but poor Metro owners everywhere were cringing, I'm sure. ;-)

After a nice relaxing morning with Doug, including a trip to yet another Xando (this place is starting to turn into D.C.'s answer to the ubiquitous Starbucks), we went to the local mall. Now, why is it that they make size "Small" clothes of a size that will make them hang off of men who are about a foot taller than I am? I mean, really, do the large and fat men of this world need such soothing that they need to appropriate my size of clothes as well just so that they can feel they're not as huge as they are? What am I to do, continue to peruse the "extra small" racks at Old Navy and/or the children's section? I'm not that small, for heaven's sake! I just want to buy clothing that doesn't look like Omar the Tent Maker did the tailoring for me. Is that so much to ask?

And to top it all off, I've gained five pounds during this bar bullshit. Yeah, yeah, I can hear you, five whole pounds, whoop-tee-doo. Well, when you're not that big to begin with (see clothing rant, above), five pounds is a lot, not to mention a royal pain in the ass. Blast my wretched diet anyway. So, when I got home this afternoon, after studying for a while (yes, I really did study today!) I ran again. Same course, same distance as yesterday, and my knees still feel good. Whew! I was hoping it wasn't a fluke! The exercise felt so good to get back to. I'm going to take advantage of my day off Tuesday to get in another good run before next weekend, too, to try and reverse the effects of all the bloody McDonald's fries and other wretched fried foods I've ingested over the past month. Wish me luck!

03 July 2000

Searching

I spent a goodly part of this afternoon looking at random sites on the Gay Diary Ring. I really wish the owner of the ring would go through and take out all the old links (like Doug's old site :-P *phhbbbttt*). Anyway. Unfortunately I didn't find any new sites that I found so compelling that I just had to read them (unlike my current regular reads, like Go Figure and Ratbastard). Most of the sites I tend to go to are either a) really good writers or b) people I know in person. Which makes it all the more amazing to me that people as far away as Australia bother to read my little journal.

Also did some much needed reading of my own site - discovered a few minor screw ups on code and the like (mainly links which need to pop off the site rather than go into the tiny little window I allow for my own text). No big deal, just need to get in and change it. Oh, and I finally typed up an intro to go into the Moose link at the top of the page. Woo-hoo! I've wanted something there for a bit, ever since the redesign, but hadn't known what to put in. Threw caution to the winds (well, as much as I ever throw it to the winds on this site - more anon) and typed something up. I hope it works

Was talking with Doug and he commented on how conservative this site makes me seem, at least in contrast to him. I suppose it does. It's not like I comment in great detail on the minutiae of my wilder experience. Part of it is a fear of admissions (aren't diaries admissible in court?), part of it is a distaste for revealing too much of my personal life and the personal lives of those around me. I'm talking much more about personal feelings on here, as opposed to the minutiae of "I got up, I exercised, I went to work, I went to class, I came home and went to bed, only to start it all over again, oh and by the way I had oatmeal for breakfast." A description of my life, yes, but of what value is that, either to myself or to you, gentle reader? Does it stretch my writing abilities? Not really, unless I'm trying to get better at describing small details in such a way as to make them sound compelling. Does it make you want to continue and keep reading? Not really (at least not to my mind). Who would want to read what some twit in D.C. had for breakfast every morning? Not I!

In the meantime my energies remain tied up in my bar exam preparations rather than creative outlets like the diary. I was glad to get entries posted for the past week yesterday evening, but what a mess. Today's been good for writing, though (and yes, I was productive this morning! Honest! It was only after lunch that things slowed down. *sigh*).

Stress, stress, stress. Sort of. Three weeks until the exam. Tick, tock, tick, tock...

And yes, my brain does jump from topic to topic like this with little to no transition. It's annoying to me, too, thankyouverymuch. I can usually control it when talking with someone, but I like to allow the license here. It's my space, I'll indulge if I please. Here, at least, I can be totally free to bounce around from place to place, topic to topic. Except when it annoys even me to the extent that I have to change it. Which isn't frequent, thankfully.

I have a tentative date tonight with BB. Cool. :-) Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up, get it ready to go and mail it home so I can post it once I get there. Have a pleasant evening, gentle readers, and go enjoy the holiday tomorrow!

05 July 2000

Polyamory

Finally wrote the piece on polyamory that I've been meaning to write. Linked it off the Moose page so folks'll be able to find it there. The topic has been much on the mind lately. Doug has been branching out, he had a date today which went really well. I was very happy for him - he seems to have been wanting to date more than one person successfully so earnestly! I've tried to reassure him that this is fine with me, but I think he simply needed to get out and go on a date with someone before he'd feel more comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to shove him out of my life - I like him right where he is! - but he's wanted this for a bit, so seeing him make steps toward it has been gratifying to watch.

Plus I've been having dates of my own that have gone well. BB is a neat person to chat with and hang out with. He prompted my offer to define polyamory in greater detail, which finally got me off my lazy writing butt and got the piece committed to a published medium (as opposed to floating around inside my brain, like half a dozen other pieces at the moment). I do hope he takes it well; I'd like to see him again. That is, of course, the risk one takes when you open yourself up like that to a new person.

Oh! LOL! BB finally got on and took a gander at the Glen here and he confirmed an earlier comment of his that an online diary was an incredible exercise in ego. *grin* I agreed with the assessment - this is a very narcissistic exercise! But hey, it works for me. ;-)

...

I was a better boy with my diet today than I've been the past few weeks. Actually made the young lady at Mickey D's take back the fries she had accidentally sold me (I didn't want the value meal, thank you, just the sandwich, sans mayo, and a glass of water!). The manager had to come over and ring the whole thing out, but sheesh. I didn't say a number, I said the name of the sandwich. Whatever! They'll learn eventually (as I'll be going there for the next week and a half - but then I'm FREE of them!!!). I've just felt so fat lately with the extra pounds I've put on with bar prep. *sigh* It'll be over soon, thank heavens! Then I can go back to my normal mostly veggie diet again. Let's just get this done right this time around and not have to repeat it, okay?

11 July 2000

Up & Down/Lucky

Got my new resume. Up
Doug's depressed over his date's lack of follow-up last weekend. Down
Bar prep is almost over. Up
The Bar Exam itself is too damned close. Down
Got a fresh load of squash from a co-worker. Up
Have no time to cook it until the weekend. Down
Have great men in my life. Up
Have little time to do anything with them. Down
My running distance is up. Up
My running frequency is down. Down
I'm eating more fruit. Up
I still have a week to do until I can drop Mickey D's from my dinner menu. Down
I'm reasserting control over my diet. Up
My caffeine addiction is back full-force. Down
I finally escaped from mandatory meetings with the manager from hell. Up
She asked me to set up and attend a video conference this Thursday. Down
I'm finally writing an entry after 6 days off. Up
I need a nap. Down

I still say the ups win. ;-)

....

Doug's and my diaries certainly tend to feed off of one another's topics. We were discussing a difference in attitudes that the two of us have towards our encounters, mine seemingly more open in focus and his a tad more narrow. In essence it seems to boil down to sex (don't many things? *grin*). We have very different approaches to the subject (and the act) and the way that others act toward us, attributable to the varieties of ways in which we've been treated by others.

I think in this, like many other things in my life, I've been very lucky. I've not been stood up that often and I've generally enjoyed the encounters I've had (it's been rare that I've finished something, a date or a trick, and said, "Gosh but that was awful." Boring, yes, awful, no.). I've managed to meet (and fall in love with) a wonderful man who is incredibly supportive of me and my activities. While not rich, I'm holding my own financially. I went to good schools (which were either my first or my only choice). I have a stable place to live, in a city I love.

On balance, a good life I suppose. :-) Certainly a lucky one.

...

Am I allowed to smack my roommates? ;-) There are times when it's annoying to be a Type-A personality, namely when that aforementioned personality leads one to get annoyed at piddly little things that your roomies do. Or don't do. In this case, the dishes. Specifically the drinking glasses. But whatever. I'm not cleaning them, so I guess they'll sit on the counter until such time as he gets the hint. Or I smack him upside the head and make him do them. ;-)

(and no, I'm not a violent person)

But I am a neat freak of sorts.

13 July 2000

Diet

Palm pilot crisis solved. Thank you, G. :) (long story - the palm and the desktop and yahoo decided to get fussy during synchronization and so doubled all the records on the palm and desktop - Eeck! Thankfully it's all fixed now). The joys of being dependent on technology for a memory. This was especially bad timing as I'm now two weeks away from the bar exam and I have enough problems remembering the details of my life on a good day, much less a stressed out day.

Not that I'm particularly stressed, to be honest. Yes, there is an underlying current of "ohmygod" running under everything, but it's not quite active yet. I've finished my review of the multistate practice exam and am about to start reading essay questions and model answers (since I find doing that a lot more useful than just pouring over an outline), so I'm doing something to increase my knowledge base, and I'll be reviewing notes all next week, so... Pray I do well, I don't want to repeat this mess. Once is quite enough, thankyouverymuch.

If Larry can do it, so can I. ;-)

Why do sadistic people schedule two hour video conferences (which I'm required to set up for some reason even though I wasn't supposed to attend originally?) for the lunch hour on the East Coast? I realize, if we're beaming in people from across the country, that we have to accommodate the various time periods, but c'mon! Noon to two? *grumbling tummy noises* I value my stable blood sugar level over the facilitation of new techniques in our field offices, thank you; we certainly need it. Doesn't mean I have to like the time, though. :-p

....

(Obligatory pause and omission of mandatory online diarist's "why do I do this, does anyone really care" moment)

....

Aright, I'll admit it, I'm obsessed about my weight. I've gained too much fat, due to my wretched diet and lack of exercise (and sleep) over the past month, so I finally broke down and got an appetite suppressant. Now, before you yell and scream at me, let me admit that I've used them before, as they are supposed to be used, to reset eating habits. I've rarely ever finished a box of 20 pills because I don't need 3 weeks to reset my eating habits - after a week or so I'm fine. They help me to relearn the difference between "I'm eating because my body needs calories" and "I'm eating because I'm bored" (or stressed, or tired, or whatever non-caloric. emotional need). So no fussing at me over it - I'm an adult. My diet will get itself in order before the bar, and my exercise will likely wait til next week (when I don't have class staring me in the face), but then it, too, will come into a semblance of order.

Having these things in order helps me to concentrate on more important things. I tend to get obsessed about little things that don't matter when it comes to the task at hand, but which will distract me sufficiently to drag down my performance on the larger issue, so I'm working to fix 'em. It's like my need to have my room clean before I start serious study (or at least orderly). At least I'm learning my neuroses. :-)

I suppose I am a bit defensive about both topics (my weight and the diet drugs) because I've caught shit from people both ways - both for being "too big" and for being "too small" and doing something about either one. Argh! You can't win. So, fuck 'em. I'm doing what I think is right for my body and so be it. It's not like I'm Karen Carpenter (I enjoy eating too much!), I'm not going to starve to death, but I do need to bring my overeating into control again.

14 July 2000

Faithful

© Meshell Ndegéocello

16 July 2000

Concentration

Panic hasn't hit yet. I guess my body is saving that up for next weekend. :-p

I've gotten through a couple of subjects, trying to work through this mess bit by bit, trying not to feel overwhelmed by the entirety of the knowledge these people expect me to cram into my brain for a grand total of two days. Nothing quite like taking an exam wherein the members of your profession wish you to do something which, under ordinary circumstances, would constitute malpractice. An attorney is not expected to know the law without touching a book or looking at reference material, much less case law and/or statute, but that's precisely what the bar exam is about - spitting out general concepts of law without reference to the actual law.

And they wonder why attorneys are known to drink?

So I plug away, bit by bit. Reviewing my homemade notes this weekend, things that I've been reviewing in the practice exam taken a few weeks ago and about which I feel pretty good. Save the harder things that will need to be more current in memory for later this week. A strategy of reinforcement and relearning.

Whatever.

...

Watched Bullworth with Doug yesterday. Such a lovely piece of cynicism - I died laughing at the comments this jaded Democratic politician was making ("What, like you're going to vote for a Republican?" - said to a black church audience). Contrast that with listening to the morning talk shows on CSPAN radio this morning - oy vey! Neither of the two major candidates is a "winner" in my book, though it's fun to see the third party candidates getting more media attention (all four candidates, Gore, Bush, Nader and Buchanan, were on various shows). Doug's comment was that the corporations who run the "liberal" media are only giving Nader more air time in order to undermine Gore's support. Perhaps. I despair of the results of the election, because either way it's going to be stupid. And people wonder why I want out of the Government.

...

While I am going to be studying this week, I want to get out and get real food and companionship, too. I'm so glad to be away from McDonald's! Had fresh squash last night and today for lunch and it was wonderful. Vegetables! (Other than french fries, which, being mostly grease, don't count) What a concept! ;-) *contented sigh*

...

Now if I could just get my mind on studying. :-p

Hell, I can't even concentrate on this diary entry.

17 July 2000

Panic!

Remember when I said yesterday that panic hadn't set in yet? Well, now it has. It was one of those nights when I wanted to take a big red crayon and a pad of paper and just write, "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!" over and over again. *sigh* I'll get over it, but God is this a load of BS.

In one way I understand why they want you to have this large body of knowledge under your belt before you are admitted to practice law. A certain minimal level of competence will allow you (presumably) to better serve your clients. But what a pain in the ass, especially since you don't even take half of these subjects in law school - which isn't really there to teach you "the law" but rather to force you to work and think in a particular way. Law school is about warping your thought patterns and making you "think like a lawyer," not training you to actually practice.

There is something fundamentally wrong with a system of education that must depend not on its own schools but on an increasingly expensive preparatory class to pass the licensing necessary to practice the profession for which you have supposedly been training.

But enough bitching, I need to get sleep so I can get up tomorrow, work (audit documents, *shudder*), come home to leftover pizza (hey, I was lazy tonight!) and more reading. Whee!

One week more.

20 July 2000

Tourons

Tour•on \tur-än\ n : slang, combination of "tourist" and "moron," used in the Washington, D.C. area to refer to the various hordes of out-of-town visitors who descend on the city, especially in the summer months.

This morning I had to stop at an ATM to withdraw some cash and, desiring to avoid service fees, I stopped at my own bank, which is a number of blocks from where I work, it being early enough to hit the ATM and then have a nice, leisurely stroll to work. Little did I know that my normal route from the bank, which manages to avoid such landmarks as the J. Edgar Hoover FBI Headquarters Building, would be overrun with tourons.

You can always spot them, looking slightly in awe of this city and the "big" buildings in the downtown area where I work north of Pennsylvania Avenue. Truth be told, the buildings aren't that big - we don't let them get any taller than the Washington Monument, so they're pretty manageable. But I digress. My favorites are the herds of tourons who walk through the city, often with children in tow (from pubescent to pre-school age), and more often than not taking up the entire sidewalk.

This morning's walk was interrupted by the best (or worst?) of the tourons, the pubescent smartass teenage touron. You know, the ones with questionable fashion taste who like to pretend they're "cool" by doing things like stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, waving and yelling "HELLO!" at D.C. natives who are attempting to walk to work. They are thankfully disarmed by a friendly "hello" back, or even a pleasant, "good morning," which usually manages to throw them off guard (like they're expecting us to glare at them or something? Please, we would never be so rude).

It is not that we begrudge their presence in the city, after all they bring lots of much-needed tax dollars to the city, but we just wish they'd learn some basic courtesies that apply while they are here. Like standing to the right side on Metro escalators when the escalators are working (or walking on the right and only on the right when only one escalator is there, stopped, and is acting as both the up and down steps). And stepping out of they way while you're trying to read your map. And getting on and off Metro in a timely manner. And not letting your group take up the entire sidewalk (it is a two-way thoroughfare, after all). And refraining from wearing "I Luv D.C." T-shirts in town; we're grateful you've purchased them (our tax coffers thank you, as do our merchants), but wear them back at home, please. They're embarrassing.

We will be more than happy to assist you in finding your way, provided we know which monument or museum it is you're attempting to see. We are happy to point you in the right direction so you get on the proper side of the Metro platform (and we never mind answering your questions on using Metro and how to get where you're going, provided you have a general idea yourself). We'll even offer assistance if you look totally lost - we know it can be confusing and overwhelming at times. But don't make fun of the natives. And don't think you're being cute when you stop and act obnoxious. You're not, you're only being obnoxious.

21 July 2000

Raw

Y'all want raw emotion? Well, here it is.

I love Doug. Period. Unconditionally. I cannot imagine life without him at this point. Were it not so contrary to who we are, I could see myself pledging monogamy to him. Yes, my pledging to him and only him. I could be perfectly happy with him alone. I love him. He was coming over Thursday evening, got diverted off the Parkway on his way up here, was lost, called me and in the process of giving him directions his cell phone died. I lived in hell for the next thirty or so minutes until he found his way here, parked and came up to my apartment. I cannot imagine losing him. To do so would be so devastating at this point that I can't even contemplate it. He is so much to me.

Went out to happy hour at Omega tonight to meet BB. He told me that he can't stay out overnight, that this is an agreement he has with his roommate/ex-boyfriend in order to keep the peace at home (and for other personal reasons), and I assured him can live with that. As I told him I'm seeing him because I like him, the total him, and not just for sex (though that is, of course, a plus). I am willing to take what he has to give, and that is comfortable to me.

Ran into Tim tonight, too. Called him when someone asked if he was coming (as I'd not seen him in a number of months myself, either), and he said he was coming out to the bar. He showed up and all the feelings I have for him came flooding back. I had/have such a crush on him. Holding him tonight was so difficult, knowing that in other circumstances perhaps we might be dating, seeing each other regularly. But I suppose I can't be what he needs at the moment, and so we aren't dating. He seems to still like me as well, and it was so hard to let him go so we could both go home. Why do I do this to myself? Why torture myself like this? Is this to be the price of polyamory? To know that there are men out there whom I care for but who will not be with me because of some reason or another? This will be difficult. I thought I was well-insulated enough against such pain, but I suppose not.

I suppose I could have taken someone home from the bar tonight, some random person whom I did not know, but why bother? Why complicate my life even further? Why mix up the emotions I have now with a further potential for hurt? Tonight aches enough as it is, to know I love one man, I like and will continue to see another (even if in a limited capacity), and that I still have a massive crush on one whom I've stopped dating. I can't handle any more than that - it hurts enough as it is, knowing that these men are here, are willing to be part of my life to one extent or another, and that I have to deal with the fallout from all of this. I miss them all, and that hurts. How much more raw can this get?

23 July 2000

Almost there

Almost there. Another three days and it will be over. Bar exam hell will be over. I just have to get through two days of testing and it's all done.

Ugh.

I'm almost ready. The bags are mostly packed, I need to do a quick load of laundry tonight (clean underwear is so nice to have, y'know?), read some more, and then get myself off to sleep.

The site won't be updated until I get back, sometime next weekend (the 29th or 30th). Doug and I will head down to Roanoke, I'll take the test, we'll go "home" to Tidewater/Hampton Roads, visit relatives, pick up fresh vegetables from Mom, I'll get to meet more of his relatives, and then home to D.C. Not a bad week. Well, if you don't count the test. ;-)

I think I'll be ready for it. I certainly hope I will! Just have to remember to read the question, breathe, take notes, then write. It's not like I don't write these silly memos all the time for work - I can do this. Just please, please make 'em topics I know well enough to hit and get enough to pass. I don't want to do this again - it's too nerve-wracking.

Almost there.