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Entry the Four Hundred and Forty Seventh05 July 2002 Sweat 02/7/5 8:27 a.m. I'm standing and waiting for the bus, and I can feel the first beads of sweat begin to roll languidly down my back. I'm standing straight, slightly tilted to my right as I peer down the street, searching for signs of my approaching ride. I feel the first bead begin between my shoulder blades, somehow never touching the shirt I'm wearing, the one I decided to put on without an undershirt. It rolls slowly down the length of my spine, tickling at first, and then picking up speed. Not that it's coming down quickly, simply that it is picking up mass as it makes its way down. As it reaches the middle of my back it now feels fully wet. Not clammy, not unpleasant, but definitely wet. It is as if a lover had placed a single drop of liquid upon me, and wished for nothing more than to watch it make its slow way down the length of my body. It disappeared at the top of my ass, quickly absorbed into the waist of my pants (the bottom stopping what the top could not?). A few more followed in short succession, moving more rapidly but no less sensually down my spine. When the bus did arrive, and I was made to sit in air conditioned silence, I mourned the loss of this sensation, as I mourn the departure of any lover. Even if that lover is my own body, merely reacting to the heat. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Forty Eighth14 July 2002 Weary My body is weary from a long day and night, a long week, and, really, a long month and a half. Last night Richard and I ventured out into the 'burbs to attend an anniversary party for a friend of mine from Livejournal and her husband. Was quite a mix. While her hubby is a fellow attorney, like myself they don't fit the conservative mould of most attorneys and their families. I loved getting to talk to the goth folks, listen to some good music and discuss piercings and tattoos. :-) Was quite enjoyable, and once we finally fell asleep back at Richard's place I was very happy to have attended. The last week my former roomie, G, was in town, ostensibly to pick up the last of his stuff from storage and drive it back to St. Louis. Well, two-three days turned into a full week; he arrived Sunday afternoon and I finally saw him off this afternoon. That's just not going to happen again. I won't trust him in the place again while I'm not here. The cats were disturbed, I was never fully comfortable with it, and he abused the privilege, so it shan't be granted any more. I hate having to say that, but I can't do this again. And the last month and a half, this month and a half since Doug and I broke up. That's been some of the roughest part. I abused a lot of caffeine; I had been hitting it intermittently before that, but started back to a regular cycle of bust and boom only this past month. Have caffeine, don't sleep. Feel tired, have more caffeine. Sleep still fleeting, so not rested, so have more caffeine, etc. Broke that on Thursday, and I'm sticking to it. I've flirted with the stuff too often since the events of last fall, and I should know better. I'm healthier and happier when not on, so off of it I go once more. But the caffeine was just a symptom of how I felt. When I feel down I tend to do mildly self-defeating things, like the caffeine, or spending too much money. And I've certainly felt down, even when I didn't admit it to myself. The worst part is that he's here, but he's not here. I have contact with him, we talk, we share things, but it's not the same. And that absence tears at me something awful. As polished and smooth as I try to be, these emotions creep in anyway, and they hurt, no matter how much soothing we attempt. They're not insurmountable, and I deal with them fairly well most days, but the caffeine was definitely a symptom that all was not well with me. I miss him, for all that he's here. So, to try and do something positive, in addition to ditching the caffeine, I'm going to attempt to exercise regularly. Doesn't have to be a ton, doesn't have to leave me bone-weary at the end of each workout, but it does need to be something regular. I want to try and commit to it for six weeks, see where I am, reassess, and see where I need to go from there. Truth be told, I started this when I gave up the caffeine last week, but tomorrow would be the first day of a full week. I know I can be better, and I know what I need to do to make myself better, and I know I can do things to make myself better. So now we'll see how I hold up to a self-challenge to turn this knowledge into reality. But for tonight, I crave rest for this weary body, to give it one more day to heal, and to come to grips with just being here and now. I lit candles all over the apartment, enjoying the softer light they provided, letting eyes rest as I ate a simple meal and read some. Down time for body and soul. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Forty Ninth15 July 2002 Goals The major goals for today were:
So, got those done. Even managed to get another magazine's worth of recipes put into Mastercook. Go me. So 'tis nine p.m. or so, teeth are brushed, mouthwash used, lights slowly being turned off, phone calls will be made shortly, some reading will be done, then I will get myself to sleep early. I'm already feeling a bit fatigued, leftovers from the previous week/weekend, so it's time to exorcise them from my system for good. It was a pretty good day. I got through some tasks that are due late next week, finishing several of them early (it's amazing what you can do when the field turns things in on time *phhhbbbttt*). The day flew by pretty quickly 'cause I kept myself busy. It seems so rare that I can do that. It's not that I don't have things to do, it's that nothing is either interesting or mindless enough to just allow me to either get totally engrossed or just totally zone out. So, today was a good day. The next area I need to work on goals (not just dreams, but goals) is going to be career. I want the physical in order a bit, then to tackle the career. I've allowed it to stagnate for far too long, and it's time to move again. I hit 4 years in December, it doesn't seem that the office is too quick to give me my next promotion, so 'tis time to move. But first the body, for once that's in order, it will make concentrating on other things that much easier. Slowly but surely. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Fiftieth16 July 2002 Better 02/7/16 8:18 a.m. I should set up a file to read, detailing how much better I feel when I get sleep & exercise, and stay away from caffeine, just to remind myself of how much better it is. Slept very well, up before the alarm this morning. Run went well, wasn't hurried, and out the door in time to get to work on time. Even managed to get breakfast, though I forgot to grab an orange. May have to find another place to keep the fruit out more prominently. Regardless, things are going well. Now if the field will cooperate, I can get the latest big project (mostly) done today and knock out some other long-term to-dos. Hard to remember what a drain caffeine really ends up being on my system, despite the illusion of energy. I'm still recovering from it, I'm still not at 100%, and won't be for a good month or two, but I'm much better than I was a week ago Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Fifty First17 July 2002 Ladies' Night I was sure the evening was going to end one of two ways: either I was going home alone to sleep, or I was taking a man home. As it turned out, neither one was quite what happened. Met Raybear and his friends for dinner this evening at Peppers. The friends were quite nice, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a lovely penne with oil and garlic on the menu (no modifying to make it vegan!). Always nice to be able to order, no questions asked, at a normal restaurant. So we made small talk, with me mostly listening this time around. The friends all knew each other, so I just went with the flow and listened to them talk, occasionally interjecting a comment or story. But mostly I just sat, ate, and listened to them talk. It is so infrequent that I hang around lesbians (all three friends were), it was just fun to watch them interact and listen to them. So, with some time to kill after dinner we dropped off Raybear's stuff and headed over to the club. Got there so early there was still a group at a table in the middle of what would become the dance floor, eating. Did these people not see the door (and the room around them) and realize that it was also a dance club and that the witching hour was approaching? They finally ditched after they turned down the lights and started upping the music volume (and bass beat). In the meantime we chatted, and Raybear ran into someone he'd known from a while back (random run-in). Was cool. The bartender was making drinks where the vodka and cranberry was barely pink. Gotta love that. So we talked, and listened to the music, and commented on the strange quality of most of the men there that night. Did I mention it was Ladies' Night at the club? Not exactly the time to pick up queer boys, when you're surrounded by (almost) nothing but lesbians. *grin* Also complained about people who go to the restroom and don't wash their hands. Ick! Two drinks each (my limit for the night, actually), and we headed out onto the dance floor. Actually, the two women we were with headed out first, leaving us with a purse to watch. After a couple of minutes Raybear and I said fuck it, I threw the purse over my shoulder and we went out dancing. Dancing with a purse is very... limiting. Can't move around as much. Ditched it on a bathroom run (handed it over to the next guardian), never took it back. Had so much fun dancing, one of the women was crazy - she was so much fun to dance with. And grinding with Raybear was good. Eventually I decided I wasn't seeing anything there. But wait, what's that in the white shirt at the front of the dance floor? Is he looking? He is... Am I looking? Well, yeah, 'cause that body looks good under that white shirt. So I endeavored to flirt heavily with the eyes, and it was returned, tentatively, and gradually moved closer. It's fun to see how you can drag a group of people across a dance floor if you do it slowly. We made our way across, got close enough to be dancing next to white shirt boy, and then he disappeared. I leaned over to Raybear, "You know, it's hard to know if you were being too aggressive, or not aggressive enough in such cases." He agreed. Raybear took off for a rest break, and I danced a while longer with one of the women. After a bit (not even a full song), white shirt boy reappeared, close but not right next to us, and Raybear came back shortly thereafter. Raybear leaned in, "You'll be happy to know he washed his hands in the restroom." I laughed. White shirt boy and I danced closer, touched (the body was as nice in person as from a distance *swoon*), danced up against one another, generally ignored the crowd, but for occasional glanced over at Raybear and company. He was six-foot-something (three maybe?), towering over me. Somewhere around midnight Raybear and his friends took off (we'd been dancing for about an hour and a half or more by then, and I'd taken only one restroom break). I convinced white shirt boy to head to the side for some water. He kept looking at me, looking away, embarrassed. It was terribly cute to watch someone so tall and who was obviously interested be so embarrassed at the attention. I wasn't in full shameless mode - could sense that wasn't going to go over - but was being touchy-feely. Did I mention that the body was very nice under that white shirt? Yum! In the end, we traded names and email addys and some (okay, several) chaste kisses and some cuddling, and he headed off to Virginia, while I taxied home. So I didn't take anyone home, but neither did I leave empty-handed, which was more than I expected at Ladies' Night. ArchivesWeights @ Home, Dancing for almost 2 hours |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Fifty Second18 July 2002 More Progress, Less Stagnation 02/7/18 9:48 a.m. While out dancing last night I came to the realization that I've been dwelling too much on the past when it comes to my body. Yes, I weighed 142 - right as I was getting over mono! - but that's no longer relevant. It shows that I can get down there, but not that I should be down there. Yes, I was a scrawny thing at one point, but I am no longer that young, nor do I necessarily want to look like a waif anymore. My body is not bad where it is - I'm healthy and relatively fit - but it could be developed more, and I think that's where I want to go. Of course, dancing with a bunch of lesbians last night and realizing that many of them looked like young boys had nothing to do with this. :-p The dancing felt great last night, and the ego boost was nice as well. Something about being told repeatedly how cute you are. *grin* Gotta love that. Just getting out and dancing was such fun. I've not done enough of that, and I now see that I've missed it. Don't miss the cover charges, but I do miss the dancing. Interesting conversation on age with one of the women last night. She was relating an experience at a bar where she was pretty much the only one there under 30 (she was 21 at the time). She was noting the improvement in dress (and liquor) that was in evidence when suddenly she was the youngest one there by a good 8 years or so. And, as I sipped my Stoli and cranberry (*grin*), I reflected briefly that, yes, this was definitely true. I do go for top shelf liquor now, because I can afford it, especially if I'm not drinking as much. And I go for better clothes for much the same reason. I don't have to settle, so why should I? ... Was in a manic, spastic, very energetic mood all day at work (when I finally got there - an hour and a half late! Whoops!). Got a lot done, surprisingly, and energy didn't really die down until almost time to leave. Was a nice change from earlier times when I'd go out dancing, get far too loaded and then be sick the whole next day. Two easy drinks early in the evening, followed by water and hours of dancing. Nice combo. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Fifty Third23 July 2002 AC/Drama/Work 02/7/23 8:21 a.m. AC was not working for shit last night, making sleep problematic. Am paying for it this morning, though I did get in a weights workout. Been watching breakup drama in a couple online journals I track. Am very, very glad Doug and I did not go through the sorts of messes I'm reading about. Not that I'd have been likely to write about it in such detail, but it's still good to have escaped that. He's coming over tonight for dinner and a movie, in fact, the first time I've seen him since his trip to Houston. The weekend was good, I enjoyed the party and Velvet (though I found the music uninspiring - I enjoyed the cheesy DJ at Chaos better). Was great to have the random Monday off as it allowed me time to relax, get my bike repaired, and meet with the Other Big Government Agency about this contract work. It's going to be time-consuming, but worth it. I'm not sure what exactly I was expecting in a dollar figure, but this was a good chunk more than that. Instead of a little mad money I'm looking at paying off a credit card or two. Now it's making enough time to do it all properly. And honestly, in the cosmic scheme of things, debt reduction work is pretty high on the priority scale, so this will take precedent over many things in the weeks to come. But, hot damn, to pay off a couple cards this early?!?! Talk about mana from heaven. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Fifty Fourth24 July 2002 Needs/Service 02/7/24 8:22 a.m. So, Doug came over last night and I fixed a new Indian-inspired tofu dish. We then watched Party Girl and he stayed over (after asking me not to attack him - which really wasn't in the cards). We fit easily back together, spooning as if it were any other night together, but after a few minutes I had to pull away. What I wanted last night was to be the one being held, not the one holding. And it wasn't even that I wanted Doug to be holding me; that wasn't a usual dynamic in our relationship and I'm not going to introduce it now. I was just in one of those moods where I wanted some tall, broad-shouldered guy to fold me into his arms, my head on his chest, and just sit or lie together for a time. *le sigh* Not exactly my norm, but no less valid a need. ... Spent part of the day trying to plan some food for lunches - stuff to make in advance and freeze on weekends to have ready to take to work during the week. Whee. You see, I want to save some money so I can get cable internet service. If, that is, I can get the back amount my former roomie left on the apartment taken off. It's about $459, and I can take care of $400 of that by taking back the cable modem they never came to pick up and which B left here, but I'm not paying the other amount. And so far my attempts to contact B (the former renter of the cable service) have proved unavailing. Grrr. I'm not paying it, but I am getting modem service. Had my boss tell me I was mean today. LOL! This because I made a district redo a request so it matched the amounts they transmitted in the system. Didn't consider it mean (well, maybe a little), just making them fix their sloppy work. :-p I was amused at the accusation. Anyway, up far too late all this week (especially compared with most of last week), so is time for sleep. Need to get up and run in the morning - back to the schedule for exercise. Archives |
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Entry the Four Hundred and Fifty Fifth31 July 2002 Vet/Credit 02/7/31 8:26 a.m. Haven't felt much like writing. Natasha is at the vet's with something or another; she puked once an hour pretty much all of Sunday and Monday. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much either night. No sound is guaranteed to get you out of bed faster than your "child" throwing up. Am hopeful that she'll be able to leave the vet this evening. In the meantime, Starpower relented on the past due bill and will be coming on Wednesday to install. Good. They had to run a credit check on me which got me thinking about my credit, so I decided to pull my credit report from the big three. Oh, what a mess. One of them was able to identify me properly and print out my report online. The other two, well, they were not. It seems they are confusing me with my father because we share the same name (yes, I'm Moose the Second - should technically be Moose, Jr., but my parental units recognized that our relatives, being Southerners all, would call me Junior and not Moose and so they bucked social tradition and stuck an II on my name instead. For which I have thanked them on numerous occasions.). So the other two have to send me paper copies in the mail so I can dispute these things. My own credit has enough stuff without adding Dad's to the mix! A fun project to look forward to. So that's life in a nutshell at the moment. The project with the Other BGA is on hold pending ethics approval from my own BGA. Plus I've not gotten a contract from them, so am holding for those two things. ... Well, Natasha is home, and looking like nothing was ever wrong, save the shaved patch on her front paw where the IV was. Had Doug, Richard and another friend over for dinner this evening, and two games of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer game. ;-) Was most fun. The boss is supposed to send me an approval for the OBGA work so I can send that to Legal Counsel tomorrow. Now, is time for sleep. Archives |
