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Entry the Five Hundred and Ninety Ninth02 January 2004 Dinner 04/1/2 10:59 p.m. I keep trying to sit down and write and it keeps not quite happening. I quickly get overwhelmed by the amount of things I want to put to print and nothing ends up happening with it. The sheer number of issues is too intimidating to tackle over the Palm. That said, tonight was really nice. I came home, sent Richard out for a bell pepper (the one ingredient I lacked) and went to town in the kitchen. Dinner was a nice salad, tofu cutlets and dirty rice (which was what needed the pepper). We actually ate dinner at the dining room table, together, for the first time since he put in the new lighting (we've had Lawrence over since, but not just the two of us). So, was a nice dinner, where dinner should be eaten, with place settings and serving dishes and the like. I could get used to this kind of thing. Archives |
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Entry the Six Hundredth04 January 2004 Conflicts Sun's out, it's in the 60s today, I'm in shorts and short sleeves, windows open. Cleaning's done, new office is set up (see the pics of before and after in the pics section), Richard's out and about, took a nice nap this afternoon. Finally time to sit down and do some writing. I think I've been afraid to sit down and face this mess because the whole of it, when I have considered it, has been pretty depressing. Or just pointed to depression, whichever one. In either case, it hasn't been pleasant to contemplate. I'm back up to around 170 pounds again. This is where I was just before I went to Taiwan, and while I carry it a hell of a lot better than I did then (more muscle than fat this time around), it's still a depressing guideline to get to again. I had to buy new pants this past week, going back up a waist size to 31. Now, I realize that only a gay man would consider a 31 waist to be 'fat pants' but considering when I've had a flatter stomach I was down at a 29 and not quite a 28, this is a nasty change to me. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and that's further pressed my mood downward. I've not been able to get decent aerobic exercise on a regular basis for the past several months, either. I still have residual pain in my right ankle from the sprain, which has kept running out of the picture. I've gotten on an exercise bike every now and again, but that's just not the same as running for me. I'm a runner first and foremost in my exercising, and the lack thereof has been pretty devastating. No mood-enhancing endorphins flowing through my brain on a regular basis. Feh. My alcohol and caffeine use increased during this time period, too. I had cut back so much on them while preparing for the half-marathon back in August, then when I was injured, and on travel for work, I just seemed to say, "To hell with it," and permitted myself to use more and more of both. Definitely not been the best decision, and both are gradually being reduced in my diet. Caffeine is gone, part of my resolution to return to pre-9/11 stress levels (I had cut caffeine out entirely for almost a year prior to 9/11, and it felt great), and alcohol is gradually going down. I can't and won't cut alcohol out entirely, but I can and will reduce its use. Too many extra calories. The job situation, of course, has been draining, too. Now that I finally have a definite date (1/26!) to start, things are looking up, but in the meantime I've been walking on eggshells at my current job. I never seem to know when the boss is going to be smiling and when she's going to have conniptions because of something not getting done (which is particularly galling when it's because they've dumped more crap on me and I can't possibly get to the regular to-do list). I never thought I would this happy to be rid of where I work, but it's changed so much in the past two years that I am so ready to quit it's not even funny. The new job is going to be a challenge, but a welcome one, and I can't get over there fast enough. Moving in with Richard, like any change, meant some stress as well. It's not been a bad thing, don't get that impression at all, but it did mean changes in routines, and different pressures and stresses as we adapt to each other's quirks and personalities on a constant, daily basis. Thank heavens we have two bathrooms or he'd have killed me by now. I know enough about relationships and myself to insist that we each have our own room, so we each have separate space to which we can retreat when we need to do so, and that helps when it's needed. I'm not yet used to the main room where we sleep being "my" room, so I do feel irritated when I'm up late and he's trying to sleep in here, but I'm adapting (mainly by getting more sleep!). Once my insurance switches over, I'm going to go see my podiatrist (provided he's on the new plan) and see about this ankle. If there's something more I can be doing (or not doing) to accelerate the healing, then let's do it. I can't take this much longer, and I know that changing my diet will only get me but so far in losing this weight. Exercise can be an addiction like any other, and three plus months of withdrawal is too damned much to go through. Archives |
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Entry the Six Hundred and First09 January 2004 Cookies Cold, cold, cold here today. Took the day off to rest, have a head cold (2nd in 2 months? time to get the claritin™ again...), and just basically told them yesterday, "Sign the leave slip for annual leave or I'll call in sick, but one way or another I'm not here tomorrow." Is good to have good relations with the woman who signs the leave slips. Was not entirely rest, I made chili in the crock pot and surprised Richard with peanut butter cookies when he got home (the last batch was in the oven when he walked in). Did get a nice nap in, and managed to sleep through a call from my office about something which someone else could have answered (oy). Didn't get the message until 8-something tonight, oh well. No cleaning, though, so that'll have to happen tomorrow. Been doing well with the exercise. Took Friday off from the gym since I was staying home, but otherwise was on target for this week. I want to get out dancing some, once the cold is gone. Good exercise, good social time, good fun. I miss it. Archives |
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Entry the Six Hundred and Second12 January 2004 Change is Coming Have my stuff all packed for the gym tomorrow. It's so much easier to ensure I go if I lay it all out ahead of time. Proper planning, the key to motivation. ;-p Also have to go vote tomorrow. DC is having it's non-binding beauty pageant presidential primary tomorrow. What a waste of taxpayer dollars. If it's not going to count, why are we having this thing? Oh, right, a political statement. About how little we count in national politics, past being a place to revile. Work is speeding up as the days go on. The pace of it, at least. I keep trying to tell them not to give me new stuff, but they keep trying to do so. Tomorrow I meet with my team leader and will go over my to-do list and try to prioritize that stuff and impress upon them that two weeks is it, and we still have a going away party and a holiday to do, which cuts into these last eight business days before I am gone, gone, gone. No loss to me. Despite the head cold I've kept up with exercising. Mostly. Only hit the gym twice last week, and will only be twice this week, but that's okay, the type of weight training I'm doing can handle the breaks (which are probably a good thing, recovery and all that). Is nice to keep up the efforts and not have to become a total couch potato. Moderate only, mind you, but better than nothing. Change is happening, and it's mostly good stuff. I'm feeling a tad more hopeful about this year now. Archives |
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Entry the Six Hundred and Third13 January 2004 Progress Did hit the gym, and ran on the treadmill for five minutes before I hit the weights. Again, no pain, so I'll try some treadmill work alternating walking/running soon. I know how to build back up, as irritating as it is to have to rebuild a base. The hard part will be slowing myself down. Managed to knock out a couple more things today at work, too. The to-do list slowly shrinks, and I'm getting some time to take care of long-term hassles. It'll happen, provided I'm not meeting'd to death. Police meeting went pretty well. I think I have a theme for this year's letter in our commission's annual report - volunteerism. It came out loud and clear at the police meeting that people want more information, so I think we need to provide that (and that we're capable of providing it!). So, volunteerism it will be. Is good to have a theme. Now I can write the damned letter (not that it's overdue or anything... oy). So, steps forward. As the Chinese characters on my bulletin board say, "Don't be afraid of going slow, only be afraid of standing still." Archives |
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Entry the Six Hundred and Fourth22 January 2004 Endings 04/1/22 8:55 a.m. Two more days at my current job. Things have wrapped up nicely, the going away luncheon is today, I turn in everything save my badge today, and everything is going as scheduled. Tomorrow I'll spend much of the day "checking out" with various staffs and trying to file away the stuff on my desktop. It's just so odd that this is finally happening. Haven't otherwise been much on writing. The various meetings I've had the past week or two have gone well. Had a nice lunch date on Sunday and did some shopping. I've not gone to the gym this week because of the work schedule, but a rest week from the weights is allowable. My ankle's been a bit sore after the run and squats I did last week, too, so that's been a limiting factor. Now that my insurance card's arrived I need to make an appointment with my podiatrist or an orthopedist and get some help with it. Perhaps headed out for drinks with some folks this evening, not sure if that's happening or not. Most likely yes, but plans weren't definite yet. I did so little socializing with my co-workers at this job, always staying a little aloof. But then again, being queer does bring some distance to that relationship. And through all of this mess I've just been profoundly unmotivated to do anything. I've a mild depression, it's been around for months now, and I can't seem to shake it. Nothing interests me, I've not wanted sex at all, my weight's remained steady but at a high point that's upsetting to me, my shirt collars don't fit any more, at least not comfortably, and I've just generally felt blah. I don't know what to do about it, and that further exacerbates the situation. I hate not being in control, especially of myself. Archives |
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Entry the Six Hundred and Fifth28 January 2004 First Real Day I don't know if I can adequately express how utterly, utterly cool it was to be at work today. I know I'm coming off like a total dweeb, but so be it. It felt so damned good to finally be an attorney, working among and with attorneys, and have people understand what it meant to have passed through that crucible and how those skills can be used best. I felt like I was finally coming home. There's not but so long that the "ugly duckling," no matter how talented at acting like a duck, can carry off the act without feeling really, truly out of place. And that difference in feeling is so much more apparent now that I'm in a general counsel's office. I've not entirely escaped spreadsheets (I'll run one to check some numbers budget is sending up for a transfer I have to comment on - someone mentioned that they don't always understand the meaning of "5 percent" when calculating numbers), but that's perfectly fine because it's a peripheral part of doing legal work, not the other way around. Today was the first real day because we had a big snowstorm over the weekend and as a result no one was at the agency on Monday to do anything. I checked in and got a badge (after they made me leave the building to go pee because there was no one upstairs to sponsor me in - oy!), and found my office, but I had no voicemail, no CPU, no boss, no co-workers, really, so I left at 11:30, had lunch with Richard and then came home. Called in under "unscheduled leave" on Tuesday, and so today was the first day I could process all my paperwork, get sworn in, etc. No boss, she was home with her kids in the snow, but she'll be in tomorrow. Did get into my computer and voicemail, and then got my first assignment, but basically spent the day learning where things are, etc. The campus cafeteria was surprising good and veg-friendly, which was nice. Oh, and I'm not the only vegetarian in the place, so I don't have to break them in to the concept like I did at the last place. Yay! So, have come home. I'll take a gander at the gym there tomorrow and see about joining (two gyms again - whee!), meet more folks, etc. But it feels so good to be there now; this was absolutely the right decision. Archives |
