Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

After the fire incident Saturday it really brought home that with no action on changing the rules here at the cult co-op that I really couldn’t bring the cats here. So, per his request, I let Richard know by Labor Day whether the cats were coming or staying, and they’re staying. Not an easy decision, certainly, and I despise being the one who leaves his pets in a break-up, but I was not going to risk having to lose them at a later date because they got discovered and the cult co-op forced me to get rid of them. That would have been more horrible than I care to imagine.

So, I’m a family of one now. I’m sure it will sink in more later, but for tonight it just feels very… odd.

When I moved into the new place and set up the TiVo, I noticed that Spike TV was playing Deep Space 9 on reruns, in order, several episides a day. So I signed up for a season pass and have been watching them bit by bit. The run ended recently and so I caught up to the last several episodes, not being able to stop watching as the story progressed in a marvelous fashion up until the end. So somewhere around 2-something last night I finished up the last episode. Worth staying up for, but left me a tad tired this morning, when the building’s fire alarm went off sometime after 6 a.m.

I vaguely remember drifting out of sleep, but only realized what was going on when I heard the fire trucks pull up. Will have to have a discussion with the building to see about making the alarm a) louder and b) more annoying. It was a constant beeping which really was no more annoying that someone’s alarm clock going off on the other side of a large house. Not nearly sufficient to wake people up in the case of a real emergency.

Having lived in a large building where the alarm went off every 2-3 months, I wasn’t about to evacuate until I knew there was an actual reason to. So I watched as the firemen in one of the trucks were unable to get into the property. They ended up setting two ladders so that they could go up one on one side of the fence and down another on the other. I cannot believe none of the security guards, nor any residents had keys to open the fencing. That’s going to change, period. I suspect folks will be yelling up a storm at the board meeting on Wednesday about this.

After brunch most of the day was spent with MG, a gentleman I’ve recently started dating. Some shopping, some wandering, a good nap at his place, then home again before heading out to dinner with RNJTM. Now it’s crash time so I can get up and run in the morning, another 15-16 miler planned as prep for the marathon.

This starts to sum it up (from a book I just finished re-reading):

“My dear,” the Magus said softly, “it sounds as if – and please pardon me for my presumption – you’re looking for a reason not to need him.”

“I am,” Joanna said desperately. “That is… I don’t need him. Not really, I mean…”

“You mean you don’t want to need him.”

She was silent, feeling by the tightness of her chest, the sudden hurt of her throat, that he spoke the truth. “Him,” she said slowly, when she could again control her voice. “Or anyone.”

The velvet arm tightened about her shoulders; the light, beautiful voice spoke from the dark, “Why not?”

“Because I’m afraid if I need him I’ll screw myself up for him,” she replied, with the perfect candor of weariness. “Because I’m afraid I can’t think straight around him. Because I’m afraid I’m not doing it right — I’m not being the right kind of person. And mostly because I don’t want to need him and then have him leave.”

“Ah, Joannna,” the little man sighed. “My dear child. Do you really consider yourself that foolish, or that weak?”

And that’s a bit of how I’m feeling (as “Joanna,” of course). New relationship, old worries, old anxieties. That foolish, that weak. Even though I know I’m not.

That said, I think I’m more afraid of cutting myself off than opening myself up, truth be told. For, as the Magus goes on to say:

“If love didn’t make us insane,” the Magus said gently, “who among us would have the courage to step outside the walls we build to protect ourselves against life?”

Too true, Magus, too true.

This morning’s run was great… for the first 4 miles. Had a nice breeze, heart rate was behaving itself, mostly shaded. Then I hit the Awakening, turned that corner and Death Awaited. Breeze was non-existent, shade was precarious at best, the heart rate shot up and forced walking breaks. Yuck. Needless to say the last three miles sucked gorilla butt.

But, I still got out and ran.

Been thinking a lot about dating lately, and I’m still of the opinion that, while I’ve gone on dates, I’m still not ready for anything yet. It’s like when I think about eating meat – I can visualize getting right up to the point of taking a bite, then I just freak out and can’t do it. Everything just keeps telling me I’m not ready yet, despite trying. I can still be witty and charming engaging and all that, but that essential spark is just not there for me.

Which is not necesarily a bad thing (though it is occasionally an annoying thing).

Took a quiet night tonight, not really spending any time online, played some on the DS (there were so many weeds all over my town in Animal Crossing it wasn’t even close to funny – that’s what I get for taking 2 months off from the game). Talked with K for the first time in a while, he’s doing well, which was good to hear. Nice and quiet, which was needed.

Tomorrow’s run should be interesting. It’s a short one (thankfully), but I received my tempo trainer finally today after being on backorder for two months now. So we’ll see how the pacing goes with picking up the feet to a set rythmn. Should be interesting.

Assassins was really well done. Small space, big voices (mostly – Lee Harvey Oswald was a little weak), and really, really well staged. The curtain, a flag, dropped and the assassins and other cast members were sitting in an exact duplicate of the seat set up that we were in. Great commentary on who was where and what not. From there, it went really well. Good music, good show. Won’t be playing much longer, but I recommend it if you can get to it.

Was good to see L again. He’s been up in Maine or otherwise busy for most of the summer. Had fun catching up.

Legs are surprisingly well this evening, post-run. Sucking down water like there’s no tomorrow, though, and the piss at the resturant was pretty darned dark (dehydration, anyone?), but should get back to balance this evening before bed.

Work continues. Ran 7 miles this morning. Should be doing more, but that’s a good amount for a school day.

Happy hour with co-workers tonight, then back home for some grilled food with a couple I helped set up (rather, they knew each other and I pushed them together – forcefully). Was nice and quiet. Just got done checking LJ for the night, and the other journals I read. Chatting with a couple friends, then will get off to bed. If up early enough I’ll go for a ride. I have a practice tri, a sprint, coming up in a couple weeks and I’m very much not ready for it. Running, yes, but not the other two events. I mean, I’ll swim just fine, but after that, feh.

Life’s a mess, as always. The air thing seems to be fixed now, I’ve killed off the last head cold from that craptacular little adventure, and I’m running again.

I had a visitor over the weekend, a boy (in the BDSM sense) who is perhaps relocating to DC. Had a very fun time with him, despite the head cold. Played tourist, played period, though not as much as either of us would have liked (again, the head cold). Mildly disappointed at that, betrayed by my body. But a fun time with him, nonetheless.

Otherwise I’ve been feeling even more anti-social than my usual wont, killing off the shows on my TiVo, catching up on the DS games I’ve been neglecting, pulling down the books I’ve not yet read and starting in on some of them.

I want to write, but I’m drawing a blank.

Got a nice compliment from a lovely fella the other day. Just wrote him back to thank him this morning, my usual tardy self when it comes to follow up. Also been missing on emails to a few other folks.

Even though I rearranged the bedroom I’m still, somehow, getting air blowing past my face. I’m just going to have to crank the AC to get the temps really low and then turn it off to sleep. Or perhaps redirect the air at the windows or something. I just can’t take the dry sinuses any more, and I really, really want to breathe without chemical help again. Grrr. Major design flaw of the unit, as far as I’m concerned.

Did a massage exchange last night, which was nice. Very chatty guy, which was sometimes fun, sometimes distracting. But overall it was a good experience.

Have a visitor coming in for the weekend, getting here late tomorrow evening. Going to do some touristy things, which is always fun with folks who don’t live here. I enjoy playing tour guide in my chosen city, so this’ll be a nice break from the norm.

Counted the weeks until the marathon yesterday, it’s about 20 until the event, and I’ve not run a step since the triathlon. I need to get down to the local running store and get new shoes, though I could still run in the ones I have now that they’ve dried out. Looking at various training plans to see what I want to do to prepare for the event.

Last night was a lovely dinner with Brian at Cantina Marina. Margaritas, veggie burger, lots of dogs. Evidently Monday night is their “bring your dog to the restaurant” night and they had several cute pups out playing. The special is either a chili dog or corn dog for $1, and they provide snacks for the pups as well. Cool concept, especially for an outdoor space.

Dragged him back to show him the new apartment. After he left I straightened a lot more stuff up, put boxes away, etc. while chatting online. I’d love to get a small table that’s tall enough to chat on the laptop without having to bend over or sit down – when the boxes were piled up in here that was a possibility, and it definitely made chatting and cleaning much easier (I could just stop by, type a few pithy phrases and keep going). Perhaps on the one short wall where I’ve discovered that I now have room for a small table. We’ll see.

Only two more boxes of books left to be put away and then all boxes will be gone. Only two months in, that’s good for me. Now I just need to find a good shredder on sale so I don’t accumulate as much stuff as I did in the last two places…

Been texting off and on with last week’s date while he’s off on vacation. Trying not to bug him while he’s relaxing, yet still keep some contact. For the most part I’ve been succeeding, letting him get up on Left Coast time and text me first. Has been quite fun, he’s very flirty and good with words, both qualities I enjoy.

I think the thing I like most about Pride is that I get to get a whole lot o’ hugs. There are tons of people I always manage to run into at Pride whom I almost never see anywhere else. But pretty much everyone I see gets a hug, if I know them. Even if they don’t want one.

Marched in the parade this year for one of our city council candidates. He’s got one of the best records for queer legislation, as well as the best environmental record, labor record, etc. (if you’re a lefty, that is). But his campaign this time around has not been going as well as I’d like. He’s got a credible competitor this time, unlike the last time where there was a crowded field to take the pressure off of him as the incumbent. Frustrating. But I marched, and handed out leis, and saw folks (and didn’t see folks), and got hugs.

Had a brunch with fellow Body Electric school alumni, and again, more hugs. After that I wandered down to the Pride festival where I immediately ran into my evil twin, Marc. Fun story there, Marc and I look very similar, same height & weight, same hair, etc. We came to know each other because The Ex dated Marc shortly after I fled from him, mainly because he looked almost exactly like me (we understand there was a third twin out there somewhere, Marc saw him once, but we’ve never connected with him). Marc and I had great fun commiserating over how crazy The Ex was/is, but past that we enjoying hanging out together when we see each other. So Marc and I wandered the festival, stopping at few booths this time around, but jumping in to saw hi to folks we knew. Eventually we stopped in the middle of the thing and just let the crowds walk past us, which made seeing people we knew easier, actually.

Post-festival I wandered home and fell into something of a funk. To keep from simply wallowing in blahness I went ahead and rearranged my living room as I’ve been saying I wanted to do for a while now. The new set up now means, once I clear the assorted junk that’s now deposited on top of it, that I can actually use my dining room table without feeling like I’m hiding in a corner. It’s much more prominently placed in the room now and much more accessible. The desk is in the opposite corner, which meant relocating the cable wiring. I’m sure my neighbor was wondering why I was hammering in so many odd places yesterday afternoon. Now I have to figure out the art and put some assorted things away, but I’m finally pleased with the layout.

Despite that, it was still an awkward night in some ways. Getting home just felt, well, lonely. (and on a side note, I think I’m close to saying screw it to the co-op rules and bringing the cats home anyway; let them try something) I was suitably chastised for being so maudlin online last night, but one can’t always control one’s feelings, and I was just feeling down. I need to get refocused on some things, that will help, but there may be more changes coming for moi. Not a bad thing, certainly, and some changes I think I’m ready to accept and embrace. Not sure how they’ll be perceived by some, and I have to consider them carefully before jumping into anything, but I think I’m ready.

Anyway, enough being cryptic. Rainy morning here today, so it’s a walk to work kind of day rather than biking. Margaritas planned after work at the local watering hole, and then some more putting stuff away here at home. Might even show the place to a friend this evening. Thus far the only folks to see the apartment have been my parents and a couple tricks, but I think it’s ready for showing to friends.