Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

For some reason the reintegration back into real life has been a bit difficult. There was the inevitable backup of work at the BGA (“vacation is its own punishment”), breaking things off with someone I’d been dating, adjustment back to east coast time (which means I have to try and fight my normal nature to be a night owl), and just doing the little things like unpacking everything and putting it all away, sorting mail, grocery shopping, etc. Still haven’t done the grocery shopping, so I’ve been subsisting on ever-shrinking supplies of staples from the freezer and cabinet. Not a bad thing, it’s good to clear those out every now and again, but not perhaps the healthiest meals I could be eating.

One thing I’ve been doing to integrate some of our practices from DLOC has been to post “appreciations” over on FaceBook. Just little things to acknowledge those things I’m appreciative of for whatever reason. It does help to make one more mindful of what’s going on in your life, which has made it a useful tool for me.

Past that I’m trying to find my motivation to get back to tri training for my last two races this season, and finish up my commitment with the club’s volunteer work this month. “The Pile” of books has grown since coming back, including some re-reading of classics I feel the need to reexamine in light of the DLOC and SF experiences (The Ethical Slut, the Tao Te Ching/Dao De Jing). I’m about 1/2 an inch from finishing sock #2 on pair #2, and I have another pull ball ready to go on the next set, but the one sock’s been sitting here unloved as I try to work myself back into life.

Picked up another bike yesterday. I wanted something a bit better for zipping around town than my mountain bike (which is a good bike, but not the best for commuting). I went in a slightly different direction, a single gear, and put “campus pedals” on it (clipless on one side, regular pedal platform on the other), so I don’t have to throw on bike shoes just to zip somewhere if I wish to bike out. My goal there is to bike about more to things in town, and sweat be damned. It even came with a kickstand! I feel so retro with a kickstand on a bike – I don’t think I’ve had one of those since high school. With the bike, though, comes the last big purchase for the year, I think. Need to back off and pay off the remnants of vacation and the bike and plan for the end of the year and Giftmas. And to plan for the next body electric workshop next year, of course.

It’s hard to fully describe the changes wrought by DLOC, but I’ll be working on them this year.

Bought myself a new shiny while out in SF.

Seems to be becoming a habit, commemorating a body electric event with jewelry. A habit I kinda like.

I still have a lot of stuff to process from this past two weeks. Dear Love of Comrades (DLOC) was simply amazing, and precisely what I was needing. It revealed a lot of things to me which I needed to see and experience to help clarify where I am in my life and where I might want to go. But it’s going to be difficult to reconcile those with my daily practices. There are changes I will need to make, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to make them yet.

Two of the big things that were revealed were the extent to which I have let fear dictate so many of my actions. Fear of change and fear of my body being at the top of that list. And then, as I dwelt on those, the incredible sense of anger I felt at how I’d let that fear dictate things, and especially anger at my body and how it sets me aside from the norm (more specifically the lactose intolerance and all the problems associated with that, and the extensive history of cancer in my family and how that affects me and my behaviors). Most of this was revealed on Friday, first during the daily movement practice before breakfast (an exercise where we were visualizing our obstacles and chopping, pushing, dropping them, and then pulling toward us what we wanted in our lives), then in a large heart circle we had before and after lunch.

I knew there were emotions that were going to be revealed as part of the week – no one gets through Body Electric without some sort of emotional experience, large or small – but I don’t think I expected these particular ones. Of course, my previous experiences with Body Electric have all been ones where I felt this overwhelming joy at the connections made. I got a lot of that joy during the week as well; the big draw we did on Wednesday was the most intense, and the most intensely erotic, that I’ve experienced to date. Unlike last fall where I felt the build up of energy in me, but didn’t know what to do with it, so released it, this time I held the energy, moved it over and around my body with my hands, and claimed it as my own. It was incredible to hold that much energy and be able to channel it rather than simply releasing it into the cosmos. I did laugh again, from giggling to full body, shaking laughter. Even thinking about the experience now, a week and a half later, gives me goose bumps. There was one moment where the masseur was working on my lower body and one of the assistants came over and put his hands under my back, helping me arch up and throw my head back as I lost track of where was up and down, simply concentrating on how awesome (and erotic) the whole thing felt. I spoke first when we were done, describing the marvelous experience I’d just had, and started by repeating the word “wow” over and over again (when asked to breathe into it, the coordinator said to breathe into “Wow to the ninth power”). I don’t normally speak first for those, but it just came bubbling out this time.

Comparing that amazing experience and connection to the much more mellow and introspective weekend after Friday’s revelation feels somewhat unfair, but they’re part and parcel of the same body of experience. There is incredible joy to be found in the connections with other people, but there are barriers I’ve erected to fully giving myself over to the connections I could be making, and I need to change that.

One of the hardest things about coming back into the Bay area from up on the mountain in Guerneville was the lack of practiced movement. Each morning at DLOC you got a choice between a walk/hike or practiced movement (yoga, sufi meditation, etc.). All but one morning I did the movement exercise, all of which were wonderful (and, as written about above, cathartic in one case). Even when we were getting together during the day we were able to move and dance and stretch, experiencing the wonder of being fully present in (and thus mindful of) our bodies. Wandering around SF I kept wanting to stop and drop into yoga poses when the feeling arose, but of course even in SF there are expectations of behavior (and public sidewalks aren’t conducive to yoga). I had to content myself with stretching my arms above and to the side when I was able, and that just wasn’t the same. I suspect one thing I’ll have to do more is that type of spontaneous stretching during the day – close my office door and take a few moments to stretch out and be present in my body. It can’t hurt, and I’m lucky to have that freedom to be able to close that door and take a brief break, even in work drag.

One thing I’ve already brought back into my life is posting those things I appreciate, both to FB and to my main countfour blog (it wasn’t like there was anything else going to it!). Just noting something every day which I’m thankful for has been a good practice. It helps to focus on the positive, and to be more mindful of the experience of living.

The school set up a yahoo group for our class, at first to share rides up and otherwise coordinate travel, but also to keep in touch after the experience. Thus far it’s been pretty busy, with folks posting regularly to describe their transition back to “normalcy”. I’m glad to have this group of men, and this forum to stay in touch with them. It’s all too easy to let these experiences slip back into the background and fall back into old patterns, and I don’t want that to happen if I can avoid it. I can’t go on living as if this had never happened; I’d be miserable if I did.

Been loving being here in the bay area the past two days. I’ve worked on my tolerance for beer, wandered around in town, run into friends on the street, and gotten to meet several folks I know, at least one for the first time. Went dancing last night at the local every-other-week bear get-together. Stayed out late yesterday. Crashed early Friday. Eaten lots and lots of good, inexpensive dim sum.

And I can tell I’ve relaxed considerably because I actually have fingernails and cuticles again (I tend to chew them off when I’m stressed, and so they’ve not much been in evidence lately as they’ve been thoroughly taken down at work). Precisely what I’ve needed, and while I’m looking forward to the retreat this week, I’m also very much looking forward to seeing more friends the week after.

Successfully escaped the office after only a mild delay. All work was taken care of or passed off to others. I so owe my backup for this. Got home and almost immediately turned the work blackberry off. Felt very good to do that. All of my away messages say that I’ll have no access to voice- or e-mail during the period I’m out – trying to set expectations as

Packed, mostly. Yay for lists. Still have the daily use stuff I’ll need in the morning, of course, but pretty much everything else is in there now. I did experiment briefly with trying to fit into a carry-on, but it seems I’m not that light a traveler. Well, not if I want to take running shoes.

Connected with Dean, set to get in tomorrow. Flight’s showing on time, and the weather looks like it’s going to hold in the morning to get out of here. So, so very ready to git outta here now.

Getting ready to go on vacation is a royal pain in the tukas. Work is a mess and when I announced I’d be out at a large-ish meeting today, I suddenly got a ton of requests today for last minute stuff. Yuck.

In the meantime, laundry is now done, cold wash is all hanging on the drying racks. Packing list has been made.

Tomorrow night I’m finishing up last minute work stuff and passing things along, then home to pack, get emails out to folks, and get to sleep early. Still haven’t started the hat I have to make for the gift exchange at the retreat, guess I’ll be knitting a lot on the plane.

Then it’s off to the left coast early Friday morning.

I don’t think I could’ve shown myself a more stark contrast this morning between running and cycling. I went out and did 20 miles on the bike just now, came back in and plugged in the heart rate monitor to download the data, and it turns out I was out cycling for less than a minute less than the time I ran yesterday (1:09:35 cycling cersus 1:09:43 running). Perfect way to compare the two.

The starkest difference, and the one that I knew was there but hadn’t had matching data quite like this, was calories burned. Now, I know it’s an average, a suggestion based on my height and weight and all that, but the running showed 826 calories burned, and the cycling showed 1,278 calories burned. Meaning in their estimate running burned only 2/3 as many calories as cycling did. No wonder I was losing all the weight last spring when I was cycling all the time! (and yes, the running and swimming helped, too, I’m sure, but still)

This tells me I need to stop staying up so late and get my tail out on the bike more often in the morning.

Finished the Lawyers Have Heart 10k this morning (an hour and 8 or 9 minutes – I forgot to hit the stop button when I zipped over the finish line and they haven’t posted results yet). Ran for the first 4 miles or so, then took some walking breaks. It was made pleasant for those first 4 miles by a young law student who decided to chat with me about triathlons (I was wearing a club shirt). She had a good pace and we ran pretty well together, which was nice. I finally let her go when I needed to drop down out of zone 4 and back into zone 3 with some walk breaks. Glad I did the race, I needed the experience, even if it did mean I didn’t go out last night.

One thing that annoyed me was that they used a new disposable timing chip system – as if Championchip’s resuable chips weren’t good enough. So now we all have a piece of miniature electronics and plastic to throw away. Ugh. I’m going to send a polite note to the race organizers expressing my displeasure over the waste.

Popped down to the parade this evening. Dear heavens but that took forever. The sun had been down over half an hour and floats and groups were still coming past the reviewing stand. Someone needs to work on their timing. Or start the thing earlier. Or something, because N and I finally gave up and went to meet the typing pool for dinner down on P street. Took a lot of pictures, not sure if any are worth anything. Did discover my backup battery had no charge (whoops!), so those are getting charged now and in the morning before tomorrow’s day at the festival. My plan is to spend pretty much all day down there seeing folks, chatting and what not. I always prefer the festival over the parade because the pace is more leisurely and it’s not such a logistical mess.

In the meantime, I’m going to try and get up and get in a bike ride in the morning, as well as hitting the work ATM so I don’t have to pay fees. Sunscreen galore for tomorrow, too. No sense getting more fried than I need to.

I think the theme of this past week has been “yes, I’m incredibly tired and I’m so, so, so, so, so, so ready to go on vacation now, thankyouverymuch.” It’s been difficult to motivate myself to do much of anything.

Sort-of prepped for a 10k on Saturday, then likely planning to go watch the parade Saturday evening, and perhaps find myself out and about somewhere later that evening. Sunday is of course the festival, and I plan to go down and try not to get too sunburnt.

Also more than a wee bit tired of the daily thunderstorms now. With one exception they’ve all been in the evening this past week so have (theoretically) not interfered with my workouts, but I’m still a bit tired of the light shows and the wet. And the accompanying humidity. Not that we shouldn’t expect 198% humidity in DC in June, but still.

Gotten my stuff together, mostly, for California next week. I’m set for a ride to Wildwood, have made a couple plans to see folks, but will need to be making calls & dropping notes this upcoming week to try and set a few more things up. Looking forward to the Tut exhibit at the De Young, and the zoo, and yarn shopping. And, most of all, just not being at work for two full weeks. I need the down time from it or I’m going to seriously go nuts. I’m very, very glad I planned this trip and got it approved back in December, because it’s coming at a perfect time to get the heck out of Dodge.

Finished my socks this evening:

Yay.