Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

Not personal, but political apathy. I live in the District of Columbia, and while we do not have a vote in Congress (the branch of the Federal government under whose jurisdiction we fall), we do have a vote for President, with three votes in the electoral college, thanks to the twenty third amendment to the US constitution.

However, the District voter base is approximately 8,953% registered Democrats, so the vote is assured to Sen. Obama, regardless of which way I might choose to vote. And that makes it hard to get worked up/excited about the election, since my particular vote isn’t going to affect the outcome in the least. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still get out and vote, but it’s difficult to force myself to care much about the election news I stumble across during the day when my vote doesn’t really matter here.

Started training again this morning, after a two week mostly-break. Was hot as all get-out, but got through it. My next race is in 4 weeks, in Luray Virginia (pronounced “LOO-ray,” not “luh-ray” as you might think), another olympic race, so I have to get prepped for that. Remind me not to take an exercise break after my next breakup, it’s not worth it, even if I am feeling blue.

In other news regarding the breakup, I seem to have gotten some of my tolerance back. Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but it is nice not being completely worthless after having drinks.

I’ve finally managed to break out of some of the isolation I’ve had especially in this two week period, but also to a degree since having moved down to southwest. I’m trying to be more active about getting myself out of the apartment and around folks, and spent a good part of the weekend doing just that. And that’s been fun. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to work in training for all three sports in the tri, but I’ll muddle through somehow. In the meantime, I’m enjoying getting out of the house more, and look forward to more of this.

As has been the case the previous times I’ve been on DC jury duty, I didn’t even get called back to a panel to get rejected, just sat in the lounge and eventually was let go. Not that I imagine I’d ever actually be allowed to serve – young, white gay male attorney. Yeah, not so much wanted by parties on juries.

Did get a couple inches done on the next hat I’m knitting. Had a couple people ask about it, that was it. May have found an entertainment center I like, too (dropped into apartment zero after they released us). Then it was home to nap. And that’s been about it today. At least work doesn’t have to lose me another day this week – the blackberry was going nuts all day.

I completely forgot I have jury duty today, until I got home from seeing Hellboy II with Steve. UGH. Thank heavens for the work Blackberry so I could email the folks I had meetings with to let them know why I wouldn’t be there. But, damn, what a pain.

Keep your fingers crossed that my usual luck on sitting them out is still in effect.

Running a little slow this morning. Last night was one of those “my brain will not shut off” kind of nights, with melatonin and exhaustion finally kicking in around 3-something. It wasn’t all a bad thing – the brain was going over some conversations I’ve had over the course of the weekend, and thinking a lot on what it is I want to be doing with myself, and with other people.

I did miss going out to take photos of the training tri this morning with the club, but I’m headed out to brunch at a friend’s house in a little bit, then a potluck birthday thing this evening over in Virginia with one of my body electric buddies.

I did decide that I’m not going to do the IM this fall. It’s not to say that I won’t ever do one, but it’s not the right time, and I think I signed up for it for the wrong reasons. I still have two races I’m currently signed up for, and I can find one or two more for the fall here locally. And perhaps this year I won’t end the season completely burnt out and unmotivated to do off-season fitness maintenance.

I also think I’m going to attend the local Celebrate the Body Erotic course in November. I need the refresher, and I’d like to go back to an earlier plan of mine, to attend one of the week-long intensives next summer. I also need the renewal of my ties to this particular community. I’ve been disengaged from the energies I need for long enough now, it’s time to get them back.

Visited the LYS this afternoon. I think I have the beginnings of an addiction.

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

As I did 3.5 years ago in January of 2005, I’m planning to escape DC for the inaugural festivities. Frankly, I don’t care which party wins, the people who come to DC to celebrate the victory are obnoxious. Add to that the inevitable security craziness, protestors and entitled politicos and you might see why I don’t want to be here.

This time around I think it’s time to make a much-delayed and much-needed return to the Bay Area to visit/meet folks. I think the main question at this point is how long to go out for.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

And then he proved, once again, that he was a failure. And life was what it was. And he was in pain, of his own fault. For he failed, and that was the end of the question, that he failed, and there was naught else that could be done to correct the failure, for it was total and entire.