Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

As has been the case the previous times I’ve been on DC jury duty, I didn’t even get called back to a panel to get rejected, just sat in the lounge and eventually was let go. Not that I imagine I’d ever actually be allowed to serve – young, white gay male attorney. Yeah, not so much wanted by parties on juries.

Did get a couple inches done on the next hat I’m knitting. Had a couple people ask about it, that was it. May have found an entertainment center I like, too (dropped into apartment zero after they released us). Then it was home to nap. And that’s been about it today. At least work doesn’t have to lose me another day this week – the blackberry was going nuts all day.

I completely forgot I have jury duty today, until I got home from seeing Hellboy II with Steve. UGH. Thank heavens for the work Blackberry so I could email the folks I had meetings with to let them know why I wouldn’t be there. But, damn, what a pain.

Keep your fingers crossed that my usual luck on sitting them out is still in effect.

Running a little slow this morning. Last night was one of those “my brain will not shut off” kind of nights, with melatonin and exhaustion finally kicking in around 3-something. It wasn’t all a bad thing – the brain was going over some conversations I’ve had over the course of the weekend, and thinking a lot on what it is I want to be doing with myself, and with other people.

I did miss going out to take photos of the training tri this morning with the club, but I’m headed out to brunch at a friend’s house in a little bit, then a potluck birthday thing this evening over in Virginia with one of my body electric buddies.

I did decide that I’m not going to do the IM this fall. It’s not to say that I won’t ever do one, but it’s not the right time, and I think I signed up for it for the wrong reasons. I still have two races I’m currently signed up for, and I can find one or two more for the fall here locally. And perhaps this year I won’t end the season completely burnt out and unmotivated to do off-season fitness maintenance.

I also think I’m going to attend the local Celebrate the Body Erotic course in November. I need the refresher, and I’d like to go back to an earlier plan of mine, to attend one of the week-long intensives next summer. I also need the renewal of my ties to this particular community. I’ve been disengaged from the energies I need for long enough now, it’s time to get them back.

Visited the LYS this afternoon. I think I have the beginnings of an addiction.

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

As I did 3.5 years ago in January of 2005, I’m planning to escape DC for the inaugural festivities. Frankly, I don’t care which party wins, the people who come to DC to celebrate the victory are obnoxious. Add to that the inevitable security craziness, protestors and entitled politicos and you might see why I don’t want to be here.

This time around I think it’s time to make a much-delayed and much-needed return to the Bay Area to visit/meet folks. I think the main question at this point is how long to go out for.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

And then he proved, once again, that he was a failure. And life was what it was. And he was in pain, of his own fault. For he failed, and that was the end of the question, that he failed, and there was naught else that could be done to correct the failure, for it was total and entire.

Finished BC’s hat this evening (the one to match the scarf). ‘Twas easier than the scarf, actually. I suspect that was so because it was a smaller project, as well as knowing the rib pattern already from the scarf.

Well, fuck. I had ordered a stove a while back from one company, and it was backordered for forever, so I cancelled that order, found it at another company (and cheaper!), so placed an order there. Well, it seems that the manufacturer is no longer making that stove, so they just emailed me to let me know they cancelled the order. UGH! I just want a freakin’ workin’ stove, people. This should not be this difficult.

Damned tiny apartment kitchen (the current stove, and thus the available space, is a 20-incher, so I’m stuck at that size unless I want to pay lotsa money to redo the space entirely, which I don’t, and the selection is seriously limited).

Back to more searching for stoves. *sigh*