Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

As I did 3.5 years ago in January of 2005, I’m planning to escape DC for the inaugural festivities. Frankly, I don’t care which party wins, the people who come to DC to celebrate the victory are obnoxious. Add to that the inevitable security craziness, protestors and entitled politicos and you might see why I don’t want to be here.

This time around I think it’s time to make a much-delayed and much-needed return to the Bay Area to visit/meet folks. I think the main question at this point is how long to go out for.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

And then he proved, once again, that he was a failure. And life was what it was. And he was in pain, of his own fault. For he failed, and that was the end of the question, that he failed, and there was naught else that could be done to correct the failure, for it was total and entire.

Finished BC’s hat this evening (the one to match the scarf). ‘Twas easier than the scarf, actually. I suspect that was so because it was a smaller project, as well as knowing the rib pattern already from the scarf.

Well, fuck. I had ordered a stove a while back from one company, and it was backordered for forever, so I cancelled that order, found it at another company (and cheaper!), so placed an order there. Well, it seems that the manufacturer is no longer making that stove, so they just emailed me to let me know they cancelled the order. UGH! I just want a freakin’ workin’ stove, people. This should not be this difficult.

Damned tiny apartment kitchen (the current stove, and thus the available space, is a 20-incher, so I’m stuck at that size unless I want to pay lotsa money to redo the space entirely, which I don’t, and the selection is seriously limited).

Back to more searching for stoves. *sigh*

Heck of a lot easier to run eight and a half miles at 70 degrees and relatively moderate humidity this morning than it was in the mid-80s with high humidity last Wednesday evening. Just sayin’.

I think I’m finally beginning to appreciate sports drinks while out running and biking. It helps that I’m finally training in a decent heart rate zone and not running too high to take in nutrition. Ever run so fast you felt like you were going to puke? Well, run just below that and you won’t puke, but you can’t take in nutrition, either – your stomach won’t process it. And sports drinks tended to make me feel like I was over-full. Moderated intake, while still mostly drinking water, seems to be working. Which is something I needed to learn, to ensure I take in enough calories while out on long runs and rides.

In other food news, I’m no longer keeping a vegan diet, nor a vegetarian one. As with the original decision to go vegan, this was about my health and what I needed for my diet. This isn’t that big a deal, so I’d appreciate it if folks would refrain from smart ass comments about the change back to omnivory.

For some reason I’ve just been exhausted this week. Enough so that I finally broke down and made an appointment to go talk to my doctor in two weeks about the occasional sleep aid. I’d really like to make it through one entire night without waking up 2-3 times over the course of the night. And be able to go to sleep sooner than a half hour after I turn out the lights. Damned overactive brain.

Was sore enough that I took today off from biking. The fact that Hains Point is closed for the celebration of the Fourth on Friday helped with that, too (they stage the fireworks and other necessities down at the point for the week before the holiday). So grabbed a little extra sleep this morning, but not enough to stave off all the yawns at work. Ibuprofen was also consumed. Who’d have thought golf was so vigorous, but that’s what I get for using muscles that I don’t normally touch in tri training.

I’m trying to find a new dermatologist as well. The first one I went to was a jerk, and his partner is okay, but always feels too rushed to really do anything with me. There’s a spot on my face I want looked at, given the family cancer history, and I know it’ll be months before I get in, even if I go to my current guy, but I’d really prefer someone who doesn’t feel nearly so rushed when trying to get through the appointment.