Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

Family can be a lot of trouble.

In brief summary, I spent the last couple of days down in Tidewater visiting my brother’s family, checking on them in the wake of another suicide attempt by my brother. What I discovered was literally a huge mess. The apartment was a disaster area, clothes everywhere, toys everywhere, trash everywhere. It looked like the inside of a white trash trailer.

(By way of background, my brother (31), sister-in-law (31), her twin sister (31), my two younger nieces (2.75, 1.5) and the twin’s son (8) all live in this 2 story apartment. My brother is currently in a mental health facility after Wednesday morning’s attempt.)

I did help get them started on cleaning things up, and I hopefully got them started on working on their bills in a meaningful way. I was not about to clean their dishes for them, though – both sinks were full, and there were more piled up on the table and stovetop. They were late on rent, they were late on the one car payment (which I did pay), and late on a storage unit (which I also paid).

Last night I sat down with two women and apologized for being blunt, but just looked at them and told them they were going to have to be adults, and the house and their finances as they were now was not how adults lived. Had I been a social worker when I came in on Thursday they would not have the kids. They have to get in the habit of putting things away immediately, and they have to take care of bills and mail ASAP. The younger girl keeps getting ear infections; I pointed out that with food trash all over the house, there was a good chance that was contributing to the kids getting sick. My brother admitted when we visited Thursday night that the mess in the house was a trigger for his depression (which the SIL heard, and I reemphasized a couple of times over the weekend). Hopefully coming from me it will get through to them, because heaven knows it hasn’t gotten through coming from either set of parents.

And my parents have said that if they don’t get this stuff cleaned up and soon that they’re going to have a talk with her parents and will consider taking action jointly to protect the nieces.

I’ll do some follow up with them over the next few weeks to see how they’re doing with bills and the cleaning. As I told them, they’ve got to get their act together and act like adults, or their situation is never going to get better, and it might get much, much worse.

I came home today, did some stuff around my own apartment, but I’m just wiped out emotionally tonight.

I thought I’d expand some on the vacation thing and why this is such an unusual occurrence for me.

Growing up, we never took vacations. I can remember a grand total of two that we did when I was a kid (outside of summer camp) – a trip to Disney World when I turned seven, and a month on the road in an RV going to and from New Mexico. In both cases the travel was combined personal and business travel for Dad. The Orlando trip was actually to attend a convention he was going to for work (which happened to coincide with our two birthdays in early October), and the trip to NM was one week getting to Albuquerque, a week in Albuquerque for a convention for Dad (while Mom, my brother and I took day trips around the state), a week at the big boy scout camp in northern NM so my parents could take adult leader training while I hiked the trails and my brother did cub scount stuff, and a week to get home (that was also the trip when Mom finally quit smoking for good).

But that’s really it, again, outside of summer camp with the scouts. We just weren’t a vacation-going family. Not entirely sure why, but we just didn’t take them.

Add to that, once I got out and started working (at the total exclusion of school, that is), I was an intern with a low salary and a crushing amount of student loan debt. Even after paying on these beasts for a decade now, and paying off a couple of them entirely, I still have six figures worth of education debt that I have to service each month. So when I did get out of school, there wasn’t really any excess cash there that was available for “frivolous” things like vacations. Plus the first couple years as a fed they don’t give you a ton of annual leave (until you hit your 3rd year anniversary, where it goes up considerably), so there wasn’t a lot of that available, either. Leave got used to go see relatives for the usual holiday obligations, or on needed errands around town. But going to see relatives is a poor substitute for a vacation (no offense, Mom & Dad!).

Then factor in that I’ve made a nice little niche practice out of doing appropriations law, which is good in that I’m necessary enough to be fairly layoff-proof, but at the same time it means they’re reluctant to let me go for long periods of time because no one else at work does this type of law, so if I’m not there, they tend to stumble hard. This is why I’m not travelling for the inauguration – the closest thing I have to a backup at work will be out on maternity leave sometime close to the inauguration (she’s “due” the day before), so my supervisors had something of a panic attack when I suggested I didn’t want to be here.

Now I’m finally in a place in terms of leave availability (I’m carrying over 80 hours into 2009, plus what I’ll earn over the year) and cash availability (those loans are still there, but are a much smaller percentage of my monthly income, thanks to directed spending on the more expensive ones, and a steady stream of promotions) that I feel like I can take a real, honest-to-heavens vacation. So I am, finally.

Which is all background on why I’m going to be gushing about this for some time to come, and why my planned trip in June/July is so unusual for me. I still can’t quite believe that work gave me over two full weeks of leave at one time; I think I managed to catch my supervisor in the holiday mood with the request and before she had a chance to think about all the “might-be-happenings” while I’m gone (and I fully intend to ignore the work blackberry during this period).

Dear Parental Units,

I’m taking a real, honest-to-heavens vacation in 2009, leave done been requested & approved, so I’m set. I will be gone & out of touch from 19 June 2009 to 5 July 2009. I think, outside of going to Ironman Canada with JT in 1999, that this is the first actual non-me-doing-a-race-or-other-family-related vacation that I’ve taken ever. So, just letting y’all know that I’ll be out of touch for those 2+ weeks for planning purposes.

Moose

I find it amusing that I’ve avoided holiday music all year (since I don’t really shop in malls or big retails stores), but couldn’t escape it tonight while eating at a local Chinese restaurant.

A last minute surge in knitting yesterday paid off – all the projects I needed done by the holiday are now done. Hopefully my secretary at work will enjoy the fingerless gloves I made for her. (You can see them here and here) Sadly, my next big project will be a shedir cap for a co-worker of mine who has an advanced case of uterine cancer (stage 3c). We’re not sure when she’ll start the chemo, but it won’t be long. Picked up yarn for it on Saturday, a couple of colors (she only specified “anything but pink”).

Health update: The foot is still improving slowly, but is definitely better than it has been. Still not up for running, but not nearly as painful as it had been. The PA is completely healed again, no pain whatsoever. Huzzah – no more 2 am rude awakenings.

Date from heck on Wednesday of this past week. One of those “why do I bother with this whole thing?” kind of dates. Yuck. Leering at me over dinner? Oy.

My family neglected to give me my brother’s new address, so their present (a nice check) will be late. Oh well. My parents, on the other hand, are a bit more tech-savvy, so their wish lists were updated with the addy for the RV park where they are in Florida.

Started the planning process for next year’s newbie program for the tri club. Good group of volunteers, and I think this is going to go well.

Nice night with friends planned for tomorrow, and a quiet two days after that. Hosting Kelrick and his bf Kenny at some point in there on their way up to NYC. Will be good to see Kelrick, and meet Kenny.

Work approved the two weeks off in late June/early July, so I’m set to go to Comrades this next year. Dean has thoughtfully offered his services as host in the periods around when I’m supposed to be at the retreat, so I will be spending time on either side of it in the Bay area, with lots of time to catch up with folks there.

WTF? Hot lawyers, and they’re all straight, and married, and that’s the story of my life.

Cookout at my friend L’s place in SE DC with her and her husband and their friends from the DOD. She’s one of 2 people, perhaps three that I’ve stayed in touch with from undergrad. It was good to see them both and their friends, and I enjoyed seeing them all.

I swear, I can’t get my father’s words out of my head, “We wish your attention span were longer.” That was so cutting a comment, and felt so true. Seeing people my age with kids 7 and up didn’t help. It would likely be easier if I didn’t get along with kids so well, either. I do sort of miss that, even if I don’t particularly want to raise children of my own. I wish I were closer to my nieces. i do miss seeing more of them as they grow up.

Arrived at SFO with no hiccups. We did have one weird wing dip & over-correction coming in over the Bay, but otherwise the flight was quite nice. Got an exit row seat on the aisle, and managed to get 2/3 of the way through another hat (navy this time) before we touched down.

It’s somewhere in the low 90s here in Oakland where I’m staying with Dean, which actually means it’s warmer here than it has been in DC for pretty much the entire month of August. Hanging out shirtless on the deck has been nice, as was the much-needed post-lunch nap.

We’re debating options for this evening, but I expect to see my friend Mark tomorrow for breakfast, then catch Ray to hang out some as well. Rice is out of town, but there are certain other people whom I shall have to take more aggressive measures to bug soon if I’m to catch them. Not to mention someone else who is here visiting. And of course my lone family member who’s on this side of the planet. I think a good night out at a bar or two tomorrow is in order!

Chatted briefly with my parents. I forgot to tell them I was going out of town. Whoops. Was fun to chat with them about the job search stuff and catch them up on how that’s going.

Until then, we’re going to hunt down some food, and perhaps a bar later this evening.

Well, I now have the dubious distinction of being the only person in my immediate family who has not had cancer. My brother had a spot removed from his back last week and got the news that it’s a melanoma. So he’s off to a surgeon soon to make sure they carved it all out. Luckily my father and his aunt have both had it and both survived (and are still alive now), so there’s a better than normal chance that my brother will also.

So I finally made a much-needed appointment to get a spot checked out on my face, as well as doing a full body check for spots on myself. Debating going back down home to my old (i.e., high school era) dermatologist, though – I really don’t care much for the guy I have here in DC, and none of the other choices I’ve seen/heard of sound much better. The guy from home was odd, but personable and accessible. And my brother tells me he takes my insurance, so it wouldn’t be a particular hardship to head down there (aside from the drive).

In other, better news, I spoke with one of my colleagues at work about post-employment ethics restrictions, and it sounds like I’m actually pretty well off vis-a-vis the post-employment restrictions, should I choose to leave the BGA. Have lunch tomorrow with a co-worker to chat about her experiences working on the Hill and in the private sector. Started updating my resume this afternoon (yuck!). This promises to be an interesting few months.

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

I know people aren’t suppose to complain about this, but my pants are starting not to fit. As in, I’m shrinking out of them. And it’s not like I’m not eating, because I most certainly am, yet the increase in activity is changing me. For the better, mind you, but it’s annoying feeling like my pants are either going to fall off, or are staying on but too far cinched in. And it’s even better at work with the blackberry on my hip.

Completed the first 4 week cycle last week with a nice down week. Popping down definitely worked – I felt much better running this morning, though tonight’s swim was a little rough at first (wasn’t feeling balanced when I started). In any case, good stuff today, and nice to see confirmation of the wisdom of the 4 week cycle (three weeks of gradual increases with the fourth a drop back a step to recover).

In non-training stuff, BC and I headed out to a DC United game yesterday with friends. Was lots of fun (they won). Tried taking some pictures, but we were too far up to get any decent ones with my camera. Took tons of pictures on Saturday at the club’s training tri, some good, most mediocre, but it was still fun to take ’em, though I ended up napping a good bit of Saturday afternoon after it.

Looking forward to dinner with Dean tomorrow, haven’t seen him in a bit and it’ll be nice to catch up.

Heard from the parental units tonight, they’re up near the Grand Canyon in Arizona and were about to go out swimming with my niece, whom we’ve taken to referring to as “DP,” or “Disney Princess.” After an initial period they finally sat her down and had an attitude adjustment talk which seems to have helped – she was feeling full of her 11 years at the early part of the summer, so an adjustment was definitely needed. Sounded like she was doing much better, though. Also spoke with my brother earlier today (a rarity – we just don’t talk that often on the phone) and he’s doing well, which is a welcome change from last year.

Anyway, off to bed here so I can get up and bike in the morning. Pickups tomorrow – small bursts of speed surrounded by moderate biking. Speedwork is always fun, so I’m looking forward to it.

Had a really nice Memorial Day weekend. I zipped down to see my parents and my brother and his family. The drives both ways were relatively relaxed, and I was able to keep the mini on cruise control at a reasonable speed for most of them (which very much helped my gas mileage – not quite 38 mpg each way). I’ve started going down to Petersburg and cutting over on 460 to 64 rather than taking 64 down the Peninsula, and I find it a much more pleasant drive. The Peninsula always drives me nuts with it’s constant construction (I’m not kidding – they’ve been widening or fixing or doing something on that damned highway since before I learned how to drive; I hate driving there). Picked up the eldest niece on the way in and had fun scandalizing her with bad singing to Madonna. Fun times.

The parents are doing well, as is my brother (aside from meds-related weight gain, that is). Took the brother to get his belated birthday gift – running shoes. Poor guy has my feet (which is to say, flatter than the proverbial pancake), so got the exact same shoes I wear. They were on sale (yay!) at the local running store, so he got a top and socks, too. He’ll have to find his own shorts. Now I just have to find a 5k for us to do down there this November to get him going.

Past the shoe shopping trip, it was an utterly unscripted weekend. We had no need to be anywhere, no race to do, etc., so we did projects around the yard (or, rather, they did projects and I watched and/or entertained my nieces). And that had to be the best part of it – just hanging out with my family and getting a chance to just be together, without the need to be running hither and yon on someone else’s schedule.

Went through Mom’s knitting stuff. Didn’t steal any of her needles (though she has all these nice old aluminium ones which were tempting), but did take a lovely 1941 “Knit for Defense” booklet with some relatively easy patterns in it (sweaters, gloves, socks – stuff “for the troops”). Copied a couple other easy patterns on their copier/fax/scanner/printer/coffee maker/nail gun/etc. machine. Might try the baby hat pattern before I do BC’s hat, just to get in some practice. Part of the just hanging out included a ton of knitting on the scarf, with the result that I have a couple more hours and it should be done finally. It’s looking pretty good, now that I have a better idea what I’m doing.

Not a lot went on past that. Some gaming on the eldest niece’s Wii with her and my brother. A couple of movies and other bad television. Planting flowers and putting up the blueberry bushes’ bird netting. All in all the perfect little vacation, and exactly what I needed.