Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

Sorry for the overly dramatic last post. That’s what comes of posting in the moment, or right after the moment, as the case may be.

Yes, BC and I are no longer together. ‘Twas the culmination of several factors, and I fear the fault here really is mine. No freak out like the last guy I dated, but still, in the end I just wasn’t enough.

Thank you to the friends who reached out, I do appreciate that.

Today has pretty much been spent alternating between numbness and tears, not helped any by a hangover from last night’s Independence Day festivities. I just realized how little sleep I got last night from the time print on the last post – I had thought we’d crashed right after midnight, but it seems we were up a lot later than that. So for tonight some meditations on what has happened, and lots of sleep. This absolutely, positively stinks on ice, and it’s going to hurt for some time to come, and that’s not the overreaction of last night talking, either.

And then he proved, once again, that he was a failure. And life was what it was. And he was in pain, of his own fault. For he failed, and that was the end of the question, that he failed, and there was naught else that could be done to correct the failure, for it was total and entire.

BC: I’m blaming this all on you!
Moi: What, the hangover?
BC: I have a 9:00 am call with my admissions counselor to talk about the web interface I have to use to take my classes.
Moi: It’s college; hangovers are expected.

Well, that was a pleasant way to spend a weekend. Most of it was, thankfully, spent with BC. Quiet night in on Friday. He went home for a good chunk of Saturday, then came back that evening for an outing.

We headed out with friends for drinks, dinner and Cloverfield Saturday evening. The camera work did not make me sick, though I suspect it was a one-time watch for me (big screen – good; small screen – meh; at least that was my impression of it). I do also have to echo another bloggers comment that “I wanted to see more monster, and less people.” The relationship drama stuff could have been cut down in order to see more of the actual attack, and I suspect any military folks watching (as was the premise at the beginning) would have edited out all that extraneous stuff in favor of “more monster.”

We were very nearly late to dinner because, well, in the spirit of MAL (which we did not attend) I attacked him in some of my Nasty Pig gear when he came in the door about an hour before we had to head out. That was quite fun.

Sunday was langorous. We finally bestirred ourselves from some gaming in the morning after sleeping in (Mass Effect on the Xbox for me, Bioshock on his laptop for him), got a nice big late lunch at Thai Tanic, then picked up stuff at Whole Paycheck for a mushroom & sun-dried tomato risotto that evening. Yum!! Fantastic recipe out of Vegan with a Vengeance, though I modified it slightly (more rice, mainly). We were glad to spend most of the day indoors, since the temps never really made it out of the 20s. Poor BC forgot to bring gloves, so when we hauled the groceries back to the car (two bags total) I handed him one of mine for his bag. He laughed, but still took it gratefully as we wandered back, one gloved hand with groceries out, one hand firmly ensconced in a pocket.

Unfortunately he had to work today, but we have date plans tomorrow – another nice night in with movie and some soup (a curried split pea soup, to be precise). For most of the day I was a bum. Did hop on the bicycle trainer to spin out a few miles for a little over an hour, but mostly played more Mass Effect. Beat the game late this evening playing on “casual” mode, so I’ll have to play it through later on a more difficult level. For now it’s back to one or more of the games on the Wii, I suspect, so I can finish those and perhaps lend them to BC.

Back to the salt mines tomorrow, though even with all the other stuff I was doing this weekend I think I came up with a solution to a sticky wicket one of our programs has gotten into by mis-reading some of my office’s advice. Clarification (to the program; not here) shall be forthcoming tomorrow.

I finally hauled out my knitting stuff this evening and sat down with it to learn basic knitting. Practiced the casting on method a couple of times. Ultimately cast too many stitches, but so be it. Done several rows, with the expected dropped stitches. The first few were nice and even, the last two were a tad too loose. It’s a start, and we’ll see how the rest of it goes another night.

I would, however, recommend to others considering starting knitting that they not start with a very dark thread, as it makes seeing the thread a tad difficult when you’re getting started (I have a dark brown thread).

The repetitive motions were a nice balm for the end of an otherwise hectic day at work. Tomorrow promises to be more of the same, I’m sure. Haircut planned after work, but then it’s likely home to chill some more. BC’s also got a busy week at work, though his busy weeks usually mean later hours for him, so no seeing him until the weekend.

When you have a second person spending a considerable amount of time at your house, it’s amazing how much faster you run through personal grooming products.

Received a book from a friend today, a textbook on Queensland criminal law which I’d helped him read and edit. He thoughtfully included me in the dedications, a first for me. Strange to see my name there in print, but also kind of cool.

On the same line as the grooming products note, I got a new iron today in the mail. I hardly ever use my iron (I’m lazy), but BC uses one almost daily, so my old, leaky iron was not going to cut it. Especially after it leaked all over my desk. So, claiming my title as “Mr. Exciting” I ordered a new one. Very fancy, I’ll try it tomorrow morning before work. And shock my coworkers by not looking completely wrinkled. Maybe.

BC and I had a nice, low-key NYE, over at a friend’s house with a few other folks. Much fun was had playing Godzilla Unleashed on his Wii, and aside from a single glass of champagne at midnight I didn’t touch a drop (I drove up there so we didn’t have to deal with taxis or Metro). Driving home was the most challenging part – drunken people popping out in the road at random intervals, all trying to flag down any taxi they could. What. A. Mess.

No new year’s day run this year – we got up too late, and then had to zip off to another get-together at Richard’s place in the afternoon. No matter, we got in a nice 4 miles today which, while cold, wasn’t bad. The cold symptoms are calming somewhat finally, but aren’t completely gone quite yet. Rest, relaxation, lots of water, and no drinking. Am going to begin exercising again, though. I just can’t wait any longer.

Speaking of which, signed up for my third and final triathlon for this year, the Nation’s Triathlon here in DC. So I’m doing Columbia in May (Olympic distance), Nation’s Tri in September (Olympic again), and Ironman Arizona (aka IMZ) in November. And a couple of other running events, I’m sure, sprinkled in between (Lawyers Have Heart 10k in June, the National Press Club 5k in September, etc.). Aside from IMZ, they’re all local things, so not a ton of travel for races this year, which should be a bit easier, especially if I’m transitioning jobs later this year.

We did a little shopping today, and I picked up some extra controllers for the two gaming systems, as well as recharging stations for both – no more disposable batteries.

So, a nice quiet beginning to the year, which I hope bodes well for the rest of it.

Wiped out. Completely wiped out. But a fun time was had in getting to here.

I spent the past three days with BC and his family. They do big stuff for the holidays, culminating in a big party the evening of the 25th at his Mom’s place. The 24th was relatively sedate – some last minute wrapping, prepping food for the next day, and some good Indian take-out for dinner. Wine and spades (the card game) after dinner, then a late bed time. The morning of the 25th bloomed with BC’s younger sister (29? 30?) coming in and announcing that Santa had come and we had to to come out to see what he brought.

At least, I’m told she did. I don’t recall it at all, and BC says I just buried my head further and snuggled up closer to him when she came in. Eventually we got up and did gift exchange with BC, his younger sister, Mom and Step-Dad. After that we cleaned up and then it was off to his oldest sister’s house for brunch and more exchanging of gifts. His brother-in-law did a fantastic job with the food, and including vegan dishes for me. Had fun picking on his niece (12 y/o), then it was off to Dad’s place.

The event at Dad’s went very well. This was the first time bringing a boyfriend to Dad’s event, and I think it went well. Step-mother’s family was in full force, and they were a trip and a half. Unfortunately there was not a damned thing there I could eat, so nibbling, just sipping of red wine over the course of the afternoon. Whew. Dad was gracious and pleasant, so was a pretty good time. Finally it was time to return to Mom’s house and the party, already in progress.

Plenty of food for me at Mom’s, which I dived into as soon as I could. And more wine. And then there was singing.

A big family tradition is the singing of carols. I have a fairly strong baritone (aided by the wine), and I’m not shy of singing in such a crowd, so I kept us mostly on key and pace, which I think Mom appreciated. No solos this year for anyone (thank heavens), but it was quite fun. At the end of the night BC volunteered the two of us to clean up and sent Mom & her husband off to bed. We got it pretty well policed, all food and dishes put away, and everything else straightened up nicely for the morning.

Slept in this morning, obviously, and thanks to lots of water at the end of the party and while cleaning, there was no hangover. And, as an added bonus, the plague that’s been stuck in my system for the last 2-3 weeks seems to have finally, finally been killed off. Late brunch, relaxing at the house with BC while his parents were at work, a good movie & cuddling. Finally came home at 5 or so.

No energy whatsoever tonight, so not going to set up the new Xbox 360, nor pop in any of the games I’m playing at the moment on the Wii. Working the next two days, and a good, long sleep tonight should be just what the doctor ordered. Get to have a talk with da bosslady this week about job prospects and how to proceed with these things. I trust her, so I know it won’t be a problem to tell her I’m considering some other options, but it’ll still be an interesting conversation.

With the plague over, hopefully there will be a return to regular training. I’ve missed getting out to run, and being active generally, and I know from past experience how much I need that activity for my physical and mental health. So, time to dig back in, and prep for the year to come.

BC and I went out to two NBA basketball games this weekend. The first was Friday, Suns versus the Wizards (he’s a particular fan of the Suns due to a) they win; and b) he lived there)). The second was this evening, due in the most part to his mother, who got tickets to us in the SECOND ROW not quite, but close enough to center court, and I have to say, having to strain my neck to see the big jumbotron thing above us was, well, a problem I could learn to live with.

They didn’t quite sweat on us. But they came damned close. And there was a) a waitress who brought us beer without having to get up; and b) access to a really, really close (and tiny) restroom in which to get rid of the same.

I am loathe to admit it, but I really, really enjoyed it. I still despise (with a passion unsurpassed) the game of football, but after two games in person I am more than ready to reconsider my childhood dislike of basketball. This game made sense, unlike that obnoxious game full of overly obese “athletes” who do nothing other than run into each other. I liked this, and I would be happy to go back, if, that is, BC will talk to me after trashing american “crap ball” while in the bar before the real game tonight.

And if you tell my brother and my father before I do, I will hurt you. I want to see the look of shock on their faces myself.