Of Moose And Men
The Best Laid Plans Of Both Often Go Astray

I still have a lot of stuff to process from this past two weeks. Dear Love of Comrades (DLOC) was simply amazing, and precisely what I was needing. It revealed a lot of things to me which I needed to see and experience to help clarify where I am in my life and where I might want to go. But it’s going to be difficult to reconcile those with my daily practices. There are changes I will need to make, and I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to make them yet.

Two of the big things that were revealed were the extent to which I have let fear dictate so many of my actions. Fear of change and fear of my body being at the top of that list. And then, as I dwelt on those, the incredible sense of anger I felt at how I’d let that fear dictate things, and especially anger at my body and how it sets me aside from the norm (more specifically the lactose intolerance and all the problems associated with that, and the extensive history of cancer in my family and how that affects me and my behaviors). Most of this was revealed on Friday, first during the daily movement practice before breakfast (an exercise where we were visualizing our obstacles and chopping, pushing, dropping them, and then pulling toward us what we wanted in our lives), then in a large heart circle we had before and after lunch.

I knew there were emotions that were going to be revealed as part of the week – no one gets through Body Electric without some sort of emotional experience, large or small – but I don’t think I expected these particular ones. Of course, my previous experiences with Body Electric have all been ones where I felt this overwhelming joy at the connections made. I got a lot of that joy during the week as well; the big draw we did on Wednesday was the most intense, and the most intensely erotic, that I’ve experienced to date. Unlike last fall where I felt the build up of energy in me, but didn’t know what to do with it, so released it, this time I held the energy, moved it over and around my body with my hands, and claimed it as my own. It was incredible to hold that much energy and be able to channel it rather than simply releasing it into the cosmos. I did laugh again, from giggling to full body, shaking laughter. Even thinking about the experience now, a week and a half later, gives me goose bumps. There was one moment where the masseur was working on my lower body and one of the assistants came over and put his hands under my back, helping me arch up and throw my head back as I lost track of where was up and down, simply concentrating on how awesome (and erotic) the whole thing felt. I spoke first when we were done, describing the marvelous experience I’d just had, and started by repeating the word “wow” over and over again (when asked to breathe into it, the coordinator said to breathe into “Wow to the ninth power”). I don’t normally speak first for those, but it just came bubbling out this time.

Comparing that amazing experience and connection to the much more mellow and introspective weekend after Friday’s revelation feels somewhat unfair, but they’re part and parcel of the same body of experience. There is incredible joy to be found in the connections with other people, but there are barriers I’ve erected to fully giving myself over to the connections I could be making, and I need to change that.

One of the hardest things about coming back into the Bay area from up on the mountain in Guerneville was the lack of practiced movement. Each morning at DLOC you got a choice between a walk/hike or practiced movement (yoga, sufi meditation, etc.). All but one morning I did the movement exercise, all of which were wonderful (and, as written about above, cathartic in one case). Even when we were getting together during the day we were able to move and dance and stretch, experiencing the wonder of being fully present in (and thus mindful of) our bodies. Wandering around SF I kept wanting to stop and drop into yoga poses when the feeling arose, but of course even in SF there are expectations of behavior (and public sidewalks aren’t conducive to yoga). I had to content myself with stretching my arms above and to the side when I was able, and that just wasn’t the same. I suspect one thing I’ll have to do more is that type of spontaneous stretching during the day – close my office door and take a few moments to stretch out and be present in my body. It can’t hurt, and I’m lucky to have that freedom to be able to close that door and take a brief break, even in work drag.

One thing I’ve already brought back into my life is posting those things I appreciate, both to FB and to my main countfour blog (it wasn’t like there was anything else going to it!). Just noting something every day which I’m thankful for has been a good practice. It helps to focus on the positive, and to be more mindful of the experience of living.

The school set up a yahoo group for our class, at first to share rides up and otherwise coordinate travel, but also to keep in touch after the experience. Thus far it’s been pretty busy, with folks posting regularly to describe their transition back to “normalcy”. I’m glad to have this group of men, and this forum to stay in touch with them. It’s all too easy to let these experiences slip back into the background and fall back into old patterns, and I don’t want that to happen if I can avoid it. I can’t go on living as if this had never happened; I’d be miserable if I did.

My stomach has started the pre-race jitters dance this morning. I’ve gotten up, taken delivery of a chair I ordered a couple months back (and yay for prompt delivery people – window was 8 to 12 and he was here at 2 after 8!), started assembling my race gear, and put the bike rack on the back of the mini. Weather today is sticky, and threatening rain. Tomorrow looks to be cool and damp (arm warmers have been put in the gear pile).

Once I get packet pick-up and bike drop-off done here in a bit, it’s home to finish packing, clean, and generally try to go over the race day and how things are going to go (visualizing transition is a good thing). Get to try the wet suit on and see how tight it’s going to be this year – I’ve not worn it since last July-ish, and I gained a few pounds over the non-running part of last year which haven’t quite come off yet. With it looking to be damp tomorrow I’m glad I got the new, lighter shades. Lighter in terms of tint, that is – wanted something for dimmer conditions like pre-dawn rides where the sun would be coming up, and I’d want some protection once it did, but not the full dark of my normal sunglasses. They’re perfect for this weather, protecting but not obscuring.

Will try to crash shortly after sunset this evening since I have to get up around 4 to get ready and get up to Columbia for the race in the morning. Gonna be a long day tomorrow.

What is it about traveling that always throws my system off? My hands are covered in eczema from something, likely the stress of travel and not drinking nearly enough water. Driving a ton more today, down to North Carolina to visit my grandparents and back, probably didn’t help any.

The family is doing okay, and it’s been a pleasant visit all told. My brother didn’t make it down with the younger two nieces, but I did get to see the eldest niece and give her a hard time (as well as an antique pendant for her birthday). Picked up a set of mid-century import china I’ve had my eyes on for the past 3-4 years now (dragons!), and I’m also hauling back a mounted set of moose antlers from my grandfather (a moose he evidently hunted himself in Canada some many, many years ago). Where I’m going to hang the antlers is a whole other question, but at least they fit in the back of the mini to haul back to DC. Going to have to figure out how to clean and preserve them, too – they’re a tad dusty and dry from years in an attic.

Managed to avoid having to plant walnut trees by delaying the trip until mother’s day. Sneaky, but smart. Though I’ve also missed the last good weekend to get in long training before the race next Sunday. So, I’ll just have to wing it on the 17th. I know how to do it, I know I can do all three events separately, and I’ve done this race before, so I’ll finish, but it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Had some fun on the dating front, but I’m not going into it yet. Too early to tell where it’s going, if anywhere, so aside from noting that something is happening, I’m going to leave it at that.

Sunrise through the cherry blossoms this morning on my first weekday morning ride of the year. Absolutely gorgeous.

Also pretty darned cold. My little balcony thingey says 46, though the official temperature at the airport across the river says 38. Either way, chilly when you’re cycling. I’m glad I changed my mind at the last minute and put on the fleece tights. As I sit here in the apartment my arms and toes are still a little chilled, but the shower will solve that. This was supposed to be the coldest morning this week, so I’m hopeful it won’t be this bad again this season.

Not my fastest ride ever, but the point was just to get out there and do it, not necessarily to be a speed demon on the roads. Didn’t see anyone else from the club out there (and it’s hard to miss me, between the club jersey, wind vest and arm warmers – I look like superman in the club’s blue with all the red and white on it), but that should pick up as it warms up. I thought I’d see one or two of our die hards, but perhaps they’re avoiding the Point until the blossoms are done and the tourists are gone (and yes, there were tourists out, even at that hour, catching pictures of the sun just hitting the blossoms as it came over the Washington Channel).

I’ve been cutting back on my caffeine intake again, with a goal of eliminating it from my diet during the week. I’m tired of being dependent on it to get going in the mornings, and would prefer to be able to use it more strategically and not as a “must have” drug. So far so good, though yesterday was dragging. All part of getting back to training and getting my body back into shape. I wrote off yesterday for exercise, but I want to get back to the schedule I was on last spring before the injury – MWF Run in the morning, swim in the evening (with Wed as the weekly long run), TuThSa bike, Su completely off. That worked well as I recall, and kept me on track with a single weekend day to be a complete bum (and one night to be able to go out without worrying about the next morning’s workout). I’m still on the fence about the Columbia triathlon (Olympic distance) in May, but if I can stick to that I think I can do it, even if I’ll be slow on the run.

PT again today, am doing much better, foot-wise. One thing I did was ask for new orthoses to better balance my odd little feet. He’d put a couple cushions in strategic places on my current orthoses the last time and those did seem to help (until the tape fell off). Keeping my fingers crossed.

More importantly, it was an hour in which I was able to turn off all my little electric devices and be “off-line” for a while. Felt like heaven.

Tonight I’m headed out, because I need to get the hell out of the apartment and see people other than my co-workers in a social setting. So, off to a haircut and JRs for moi now.

Thank you, DC Ofc. of Tax & Revenue, for timely processing my tax return. Thanks to that, one more student loan bit the dust tonight. Zing. Just two more to go with that company and all the private loans will be history.

Had dinner with a friend this evening whom I hadn’t seen in a while. He got all boyfriended last year, and between that and my own craziness we hadn’t seen each other in ages. It was nice to catch up, and learn some of his new haunts these days.

I think I’ve figured out a pattern for a scarf for myself. Given that I’ve knit maybe one thing for myself (the brown fingerless gloves, which I’ve not used because they need some repair), I think that’s pretty noteworthy. Well, that and the fact that I really dislike wearing scarves. They’re a necessary evil, and they always seem to be too bulky, which is why I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what I want in a scarf (thin, short, non-bulky – a bit of insulation for the neck, but not something that’ll puff out the jacket). Have to do a test swatch soon in the yarn I think I want to use (yay stash!), and then I’ll get to working it up. In the meantime I’ve made a bunch of progress on a traditional sock, and started a new hat for a friend (to match the one I already gave his boyfriend – same pattern & yarn brand, different yarn colors). Yes, I’ve had knitting on the brain.

Been doing my stability exercises as prescribed. I suspect these, like the IT band stretches before them, will become part of the overall maintenance repertoire. Not a bad thing, certainly something I’ve needed to do, so it’s good to get some direction there.

Which brings me to this race season. I’m signed up for two races at the moment, and I might do them, but I’m not going to focus a lot on racing this year. My focus needs to be more on weight loss and overall stability (i.e., injury proofing). I’ll still be training, but those two things need to be priority over actual racing, so that I can come back with a much better 2010 race season (and a healthier body overall).

I had a follow up with my podiatrist this morning. Result: he carved a corn off my little toe (unrelated to anything else going on), and released me from follow up appointments on the plantar fasciitis. There was almost no pain when he pressed on the heel, and I’ve been able to walk around town and do some short sprints (a la running for an elevator or the Metro) without paying for it afterward, so there was no more need to go in and see him. I have the brace to wear if I feel the need to stretch out the tendons, and I’m cleared to start running when I feel ready to do so, with the caveat that I have to build up very slowly with any running I might do.

I should be relieved, but I’m more scared than anything else. Scared that starting up will mean the return of pain. That this will somehow end up being an even longer process because I’ll screw up the foot by doing too much.

Yuck.

I’m going to have to play it by ear. First step will be sleeping without the blinkin’ brace on my foot to see how that goes. Then maybe some running, on a dreadmill treadmill, in case something isn’t right with it. Keep your fingers crossed.

In many, many ways this past year stunk on ice (the break up and my foot injury being the most notable). As many others are, I’m hoping that 2009 will be a better one for me and for those I know and love.

I’m working on an Uberlist now for 2009. I didn’t do one the past two years, after doing them the 2 or so years prior to that, and I think I miss the structure it imposed upon me, to think about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. Having something written just helps, so I’m at it again. Hopefully it’ll be complete by the weekend and I’ll get it up once it’s done.

Until then, have a safe and happy new year.

I find it amusing that I’ve avoided holiday music all year (since I don’t really shop in malls or big retails stores), but couldn’t escape it tonight while eating at a local Chinese restaurant.

A last minute surge in knitting yesterday paid off – all the projects I needed done by the holiday are now done. Hopefully my secretary at work will enjoy the fingerless gloves I made for her. (You can see them here and here) Sadly, my next big project will be a shedir cap for a co-worker of mine who has an advanced case of uterine cancer (stage 3c). We’re not sure when she’ll start the chemo, but it won’t be long. Picked up yarn for it on Saturday, a couple of colors (she only specified “anything but pink”).

Health update: The foot is still improving slowly, but is definitely better than it has been. Still not up for running, but not nearly as painful as it had been. The PA is completely healed again, no pain whatsoever. Huzzah – no more 2 am rude awakenings.

Date from heck on Wednesday of this past week. One of those “why do I bother with this whole thing?” kind of dates. Yuck. Leering at me over dinner? Oy.

My family neglected to give me my brother’s new address, so their present (a nice check) will be late. Oh well. My parents, on the other hand, are a bit more tech-savvy, so their wish lists were updated with the addy for the RV park where they are in Florida.

Started the planning process for next year’s newbie program for the tri club. Good group of volunteers, and I think this is going to go well.

Nice night with friends planned for tomorrow, and a quiet two days after that. Hosting Kelrick and his bf Kenny at some point in there on their way up to NYC. Will be good to see Kelrick, and meet Kenny.

Work approved the two weeks off in late June/early July, so I’m set to go to Comrades this next year. Dean has thoughtfully offered his services as host in the periods around when I’m supposed to be at the retreat, so I will be spending time on either side of it in the Bay area, with lots of time to catch up with folks there.

With two or three more exceptions, I believe I’ve made it through my obligations for the holiday party season. This past week was a constant stream of events, and while I loved each of them in turn, in the aggregate it was a bit overwhelming. Several days I had 2 events in a day, and while tried to pace myself for eating, it wasn’t easy. Add to that the fact that so much of the food at this time of the year has dairy in it and I end up eating far too much that either has dairy in it, or far too much “sometimes” food because I know it doesn’t have dairy in it. Either way isn’t the best way to nosh.

But, back to the grind tomorrow, including time in the pool after work before heading out to dinner with a friend to celebrate the end of his semester. Two of the events this week were with the club, and they and one of the parties which seemed to be all skinny little 20-somethings served as due notice that, being able to run or not, I have to get back to regular training now. In the first place, I have signed up for races, and it would be good to be prepped for at least two of the sports (and, hey, if all else fails, maybe I can do a “aquavelo” IM – where you do the swim and bike but not the run portions of an iron-distance race). And I’m trying to plan out a weight routine, using Strength Training for Triathletes, which I’m finding to be pretty informative and useful.

The piercing is better than it was with the old jewelry, but still a trifle sore at times. Nothing like waking up at 2 am and wondering if you’d feel better at that immediate moment if you were more of a masochist.

Upgraded WordPress this evening, finally. I think I was 3-4 versions behind the most current. They’ve managed to make upgrading the plug-ins pretty darned painless, and it’s a shame they can’t do the same with the site files themselves. In comparison, even though it really doesn’t take that long, it seems to take an eternity. They’re a victim of their own success there. Cross-posting seems to be working just fine, which is a relief (other versions have broken it). All in all I’m impressed with the latest interface, it’s much nicer than previous ones, but not overly complicated.

And with that, it’s time to crash here.